Blog entry for:

as i was looking back, i noticed i had never used this as a seed in the past. the fact that i have had so much change in my life, internally and externally, makes this a perfectly wonderful notion to consider this morning. although i am not a good one for looking at what may be blocking me from the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery for my life, it is more than likely time to pause and consider the growth that has been occurring, as i often look at was in not, rather than what is.
when i wrote out my FOURTH STEP and shared it with my sponsor in my FIFTH STEP, i torched a whole lot of ideas on which i based my life. learning how to forgive those i resented, including myself, has been what is keeping me from moving on to the SIXTH STEP. this morning, i finally understand that the animus i feel towards myself is a reaction, knee-jerk as it is, to a identity that i took on, to an event a long, long, long time ago. as a five year old, i can see that it may have been appropriate for a little bit of time, but as someone who is now sixty-four, the fact that i swallowed that lie, hook, liner and sinker, is hard to justify. the “what is not” part of all of that, is that i no longer have to live in that shadow any more and the fact that i have the desire to hold on to that, for any length of time, is certainly blocking me from becoming what i will be.
growing up at sixty-four is TOUGH! seeing myself in a new light, does not make it any easier. the loss of my Dad and having to own the living amends i made to him, as he prepared to shuffle off this mortal coil, created all sorts of “interesting” feelings. the fact that i took on something that i “knew” was what he wanted and am living up to it, with a minimum of complaining, is certainly part of the growth spurt i am going through. preparing to leave my current job, even though i have nowhere else to go, “feels” like the next right thing to do. staying clean, even though there is ample justification to use, also feels like the next right thing to do. things just are, these days, no matter how jarring they may feel.
what i do take away from this all, is that perhaps as part of my daily inventory, i need to ask myself what roadblocks i removed from my spiritual path, over the course of this day, and how did i feel after doing so. maybe, just maybe, it is time to move forward and see what i can become as i accept that what i was, is not who i HAVE to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞