Blog entry for:

to jog my thinking out of the daily rut and onto a higher track. i often get caught up in what my peers and acquaintances are doing, especially when i am committing this to the bits and bytes of cyberspace. i like to believe that i use what i see in them as a springboard for what i see in me and quite possibly that may be the case. the fact is, more often than not, what i see in them, is something that i have found within myself that irks the living shite out of me. self-will, self-entitlement and self-abasement, seem to rule the roost within and most of the time it is hard for me to see beyond those three very familiar and seemingly omnipresent character traits and behaviors. i forget that in my effort to be humble, i often dismiss or minimize my service efforts or the times i just do the next right thing, to myself by thinking that is certainly what i “ought” do and why would i call those actions out of special recognition, it is not like i am going to give myself a lifetime achievement award. what i heard this morning was that perhaps it is time to stop believing that everything i do is for show and seek evidence that what i show others in my life is how i feel about myself.
a bit of self-abasement, followed by a wonderful bit of rationalization just hit the bit bucket.

• am i as well as i think i need to be?
• have i grown as a person since i started living a program?
• and most importantly can i make an effort to look beyond what i see as my failings?

in order to do so, i think i will need to make the effort to rise above. the examples that were given in the reading were the mundane tasks that might fill my life. that sort of inventory is not what i generally consider before placing my head on the pillow. my TENTH STEP, however, even in the quietest moments, seems to dwell on what i did not do perfectly correct, throughout my waking hours and seems to dismiss those actions that provide the evidence that i am learning to live right. this skew to the garbage pit, more than likely affects how i see myself, relative to my my peers, my friend, my acquaintances and my family members. on the cosmic scale of wellness by which i measure myself, i am more than likely to come up short, once again. in the past, i would take that as evidence that i am “failing” at this recovery gig and perhaps it is time to move along. this is always the answer, or has been in my life, look for the failures, conclude that i will never be able to succeed at whatever it is i am doing and walk away. in fact recovery gave me the gift of perseverance, when it came to finishing my college degree. today, my program of active recovery reminds me that most of the time, i cannot see the result of the service i do and the program i live. i have to look past my shortcomings and have a bit of FAITH that yes, what i do in the world, each act of kindness with no expectation of reward, makes thew world a little bit better at least in the here and now.
today, at least right now, i can see that i have enough value to break out of my rut of self-obsession and look for those qualities that make me worthy of being part of life on this side of the lawn. i can bitch and moan about how unwell i am spiritually, or i can create a fluff-bucket of how freaking super-duper i am, but the truth is, i generally am somewhere in between and tempering the parts of me that i find less than acceptable with the parts of me that i cherish and want to enhance allows me to become more genuine and whole that i have ever been in the past. i do hold myself to pretty high standards and just for today, i think i will allow myself to see how ell i am measuring up, rather than berate myself for failing to do so perfectly. it will take a special effort, but right now, i believe i am worth whatever it takes.

∞ DT ∞