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i will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when i discover them. this is one of those reading that is confusing to me. oh not because it is so deep and convoluted that i do not get it, actually it is quite a simple concept to grasp. nor is it because i think that it is without merit, as i certainly have had and continue to undergo, spiritual awakenings. the confusing part is the mix between the plural and the singular when referring to the term “spiritual awakening.”
the steps suggest that this is a singular event that comes about by working through the first eleven and all of sudden on step twelve i have had ONE, so now i am ready to put all of theses principles into action in my daily life and dedicate myself to carrying the message to the still suffering addict. the steps as written seem to suggest some sort of event, and maybe it was an event for those guys way back when and even some others. FOR ME, spiritual awakenings are a series of events that create an on-going process of awakening my spirit. as i focus more and more on the process and less and less on the outcome, i see i have spiritual awakenings all of the time and to be waiting around for THE spiritual awakening, is really a waste of my time, and i MISS all of the joy and wonder of what is really going on within me. so shoot me, if i am traveling off the well-beaten path, i really do not care, as for me, it more and more about being here for what is going on, instead of waiting for what will happen. honestly, when i arrived at my very first 12th STEP, i did not feel any more spiritual than i did when i walked into the rooms. oh sure i was clean and had been clean for 11 months. yes, i sponsoring men in some sort of cross fellowship program. i was however, as the saying goes just a clean horse thief! quite honestly there was very little of a fundamental shift in how i saw the world and what i was doing hanging around the rooms. i certainly could talk the talk and look like i was walking the walk, but in actuality i was just marking time as the clock to my release from the under the thumb of the justice system was ticking down. in fact it was not until well into my 13th month clean, that things started to shift for me, and i had the first of many spiritual awakenings. one may say, that the spiritual awakening process got started up in GREELEY that Friday night in October when i realized who i really was for the first time in my life and that process is ongoing today.
as you can see, based on my history and the random manner in which i fell into recovery, seeing one thing and living another creates a sometimes muddled picture of where i am. what i DO know today, is that i am clean and i am grateful to be living a program of active recovery. on day 6 of the final part of my amends to myself, i am stronger than ever in my belief that i am worth doing it, one day at a time. today i can allow myself to relax, and enjoy the process started all those days ago, long before i was ready for it to start and to enjoy the fruits of a spirit that is in the process of awakening from its long and nearly fatal coma. which leads me to the only way to end this, i am off to pound some pavement as today is the last day i can do some serious mileage before i hit the streets over in Boulder next Monday morning. it is a great day to be clean and better yet to be on this side of the grass.

∞ DT ∞