โ symptoms of โผ
Posted: Sun, May 22, 2016 12:23:58 PM
a spiritual awakening.
okay, i find parts of this reading more than a bit over the top, but that does not mean i need to dismiss it, as much as i would like to, the reading does speak to me on all sorts of levels this morning. at the top of the list is the most obvious, as i am currently working STEP 12. looking at where i was when i started this STEP cycle and where i am today, certainly is an indication of some sort of spiritual awakening. my task is to quantify and qualify that as part of the step work i am engaged in, and allow myself the freedom to see where i am today, even if i am deep in terra icognito, at least in respect to where i started. i could start an inventory of that, right here and right now, but instead i will just write in vague generalities that leaves it up to the reader to figure out what the fVck i am talking about. not really, but some days it feels like that i what i need to do, so i can write about people, rather than ideas. i do have a few people in mind today, but in a sense, what i see in them, is not really stuff i need to write about.
yesterday was one of the fullest Saturdays i have had in a very long time, as i was binge watching TV last night, i was wondered how the heck i could do all of that, as i shopped, sat with three of the men i sponsor, went to my home group and had a date with my significant other. thinking back to way back when, Saturdays, when i did not have to work the weekend, were for my “social” partying. nothing spiritual; there, and when i walked into the rooms and got abstinent, it was for a meeting then all night card parties, movies and hanging with the rest of the FNGs. as i grew in recovery, Saturdays became quieter and quieter and across the course of my recovery, that was not a bad thing. i have become accustomed to having decompression time on Saturdays and that too, is not a bad thing. as i approached this step cycle, i was pretty well resigned to the fact, that i would always have about the same number of people in my life. i would stay on the periphery of the fellowship, to keep out of the chaos, and would have the same men as my sponsees, the same friends that i had accumulated over the course of my recovery and be grateful that i did not have to participate in all the drama that surrounds the members of the fellowship. an interesting take to be sure and one that kept me safe but a bit alone. i still had not learned to trust others and the FEAR of getting hurt was greater than the desire to be a part of the rest of my life. caring felt like kryptonite to me, and needed to be avoided for the most part. as i began the process of the steps, i realized that all of that was a lie i told myself for so long, that i had come to accept it as TRUTH. the literature seemed to support that conclusion, when it says, “some of us are more broken than others.&$8221;
today, well i have all sorts of interesting relationships, and have been part of the drama and chaos more than once. i have been burned by the pain of caring too much, and there are days when all i want top do is walk away and end up a hermit on some cold, windy and very distant mountaintop and contemplate life, the universe and everything. the fact is, although i have felt that way, felt the sting of the actions of others and a whole host of other consequences that arise from being engaged in my life, i have not dies, and i certainly did not want to use. i am grateful that across the course of this set of steps, i learned to open my heart and feel a bit more about those who are part of my life, even if only on the periphery. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to allow myself the luxury of caring about my family, my peers and my friends, after all, they certainly do fill my life with joy, most of the time.
okay, i find parts of this reading more than a bit over the top, but that does not mean i need to dismiss it, as much as i would like to, the reading does speak to me on all sorts of levels this morning. at the top of the list is the most obvious, as i am currently working STEP 12. looking at where i was when i started this STEP cycle and where i am today, certainly is an indication of some sort of spiritual awakening. my task is to quantify and qualify that as part of the step work i am engaged in, and allow myself the freedom to see where i am today, even if i am deep in terra icognito, at least in respect to where i started. i could start an inventory of that, right here and right now, but instead i will just write in vague generalities that leaves it up to the reader to figure out what the fVck i am talking about. not really, but some days it feels like that i what i need to do, so i can write about people, rather than ideas. i do have a few people in mind today, but in a sense, what i see in them, is not really stuff i need to write about.
yesterday was one of the fullest Saturdays i have had in a very long time, as i was binge watching TV last night, i was wondered how the heck i could do all of that, as i shopped, sat with three of the men i sponsor, went to my home group and had a date with my significant other. thinking back to way back when, Saturdays, when i did not have to work the weekend, were for my “social” partying. nothing spiritual; there, and when i walked into the rooms and got abstinent, it was for a meeting then all night card parties, movies and hanging with the rest of the FNGs. as i grew in recovery, Saturdays became quieter and quieter and across the course of my recovery, that was not a bad thing. i have become accustomed to having decompression time on Saturdays and that too, is not a bad thing. as i approached this step cycle, i was pretty well resigned to the fact, that i would always have about the same number of people in my life. i would stay on the periphery of the fellowship, to keep out of the chaos, and would have the same men as my sponsees, the same friends that i had accumulated over the course of my recovery and be grateful that i did not have to participate in all the drama that surrounds the members of the fellowship. an interesting take to be sure and one that kept me safe but a bit alone. i still had not learned to trust others and the FEAR of getting hurt was greater than the desire to be a part of the rest of my life. caring felt like kryptonite to me, and needed to be avoided for the most part. as i began the process of the steps, i realized that all of that was a lie i told myself for so long, that i had come to accept it as TRUTH. the literature seemed to support that conclusion, when it says, “some of us are more broken than others.&$8221;
today, well i have all sorts of interesting relationships, and have been part of the drama and chaos more than once. i have been burned by the pain of caring too much, and there are days when all i want top do is walk away and end up a hermit on some cold, windy and very distant mountaintop and contemplate life, the universe and everything. the fact is, although i have felt that way, felt the sting of the actions of others and a whole host of other consequences that arise from being engaged in my life, i have not dies, and i certainly did not want to use. i am grateful that across the course of this set of steps, i learned to open my heart and feel a bit more about those who are part of my life, even if only on the periphery. it is a good day to be clean and even a better day to allow myself the luxury of caring about my family, my peers and my friends, after all, they certainly do fill my life with joy, most of the time.
∞ DT ∞