Blog entry for:

the POWER that fuels my recovery, myself, and others. so thw knowledge i have accumulated over the past few days, really makes my skin crawl. not because it is foreign to me and my life, but because it is precisely the place i have been and apt to go, when i cater to the part of me i call addiction. i have a sponsee, who is once again using someone that has an enormous amount of power over his life, and yet sees nothing wrong because the feelings that he once had are gone. i have a friend who is in denial about being clean. i am slowly and inexorablly being drwan back into an employment situation that was fa from ideal a year ago, and yet i keep flirting with the idea that maybe this time…
so the time to become honest with myself is fast upon me. first off i like to go to the whole power analysis trip. short and sweet, what is it in any of these situations that i have any power over?
my sponsee? i have limited power and unfortunately, he needs to learn the lesson that even using people for “favors” has its price and own set of consequnces. chances are, she is being less than truthful about what she is about, but that is not my place anymore. he will have to feel the pain and ecstatsy of his choices, and the result of his using for himself. as he is now looking for his seventh birthday in a row behing bars,, one would believe that he has reached a bottom. all i can do is step back and let go. yes it hurts wtaching him repeat the same mistakes, but that too shall pass.
my friend? much trickier and without a doubt, so full of landmines, snares and man-traps, that i honestly do not believe that i NEED to venture there. getting someone to see that they are in denial, is one of the hardest tasks i have ever undertaken, and it is one that rarely, in my experience, ends the way i wish it to, so for now, that is another thing to let go of allow it to play out to its end.
the employment opportunity? when times were the darlkest, the deal i made with myself was that i would keep my eyes and my mind open to the possibilities that were presented to me, by the POWER that fuels my recovery. what does that mean today? that i stay awake, let them know that i may have the bandwidth to handle what they need to have done and allow myself to live in the eher and now, doing what i am currently being paid for.
so what doe any of this have to do with being honest with myself, others and the POWER that fuels my recovery? all of that are distractions, squirrels to borrow a turn of a phrase from my friend TJ, that keep me from looking at what is really going on, namely the roots of my active addiction. each FOURTH STEP i have done, has gotten me closer to the core of who i am, not at all like peeling a fVcking onion. as i have said, a better and more fitting metaphor would be an exploration with shovels, picks, backloaders, bobcats, and brushes, removing the layers of sh!t that i have buried all of the stuff i did not want to feel with, as the days went by. if i turn my eye towards others, it need not look at me and my pile of steaming sh!t, and although, that is more than a bit of hyperbole, it is how i feel somedays.
what does that mean? well right here and right now, think about where i am and where i am going and allow myself to be awake to the possibility that i am right where i am supposed to be, in the whole scheme of things and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞