Blog entry for:

...open my heart with honesty.
well for this addict opening my heart at all is some days quite a stretch, much less with honesty. when i got to recovery i had closed myself off from the world behind a façade of lies and half truths. well actually i was never that good at lying, so i quickly learned the talent of editing the truth for public consumption. i could spin the actual truth to make myself look however i needed to look to accomplish the task at hand -- getting whatever i needed at that moment. those needs changed from moment to moment and based on my state of self.
so needless to say, when i arrived at the point of my life that i was ready to recover, i was clueless about who and what i was, the one thing i know for certain was that i was not an addict and all i needed was some time away from using and i could return to my "normal" life.
HAH!
so here i am many days down that path wondering who i am and honestly seeking a few answers. my attitudes, my behaviors and my wants and needs have changed. i can ask for help and tell someone that i am hurting, and i can also tell someone no, if i need to. i am no longer a doormat nor am i slave to the part of me i call my disease. although i am still powerless over the disease of addiction and as a result have an unmanageable life, that unmanageability has been reined in to the point that i can even make a few good decisions a day, starting with deciding to not use today no matter what!
so have been released to a state of complete and honest openness? not yet, but i am much closer to that ideal than ever before in my existence and i can work on doing better throughout my day. i have been given a tool or two to work towards that ideal and who knows, perhaps someday i will achieve it. life is an interesting ride and who knows where it will take me, my job is to hang on and enjoy it while i can!

∞ DT ∞