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this reading could elicit a rehashing of my spiritual journey to this moment, as i have taken the occasion to do so in the past. i will say this and move along, prayer is not part of the spiritual path that i follow and trying how to fit it in, has been a difficult and insane sort of task. as i am coming to find out, i get a great deal of comfort when i ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to “keep me clean” each day and when i thank that POWER for doing so, at the end of my day. that POWER “fits” into the spiritual path i follow and simply “is.” honestly, yeah i know, i cannot see those actions as anything but prayer and just for today, i can be okay in “praying” in this manner.
honesty on the other hand, is a concept i have a very tricky relationship with, since before the day i first started using and certainly since the day i finally walked into the rooms. i never was an very honest creature and did what i could to build myself up, in the eyes of those around me, so i could transfer that to how i saw myself. how i saw my relative worth to those around me, translated into how i treated myself and the worse i treated myself the more i need to lie, brag, obfuscate and demean others, to feel better about who i was. using certainly helped and in the long run, probably saved me from “suicide by cop” or overpowering agoraphobia. today i get to look at things a bit differently.
which kind of sort of brings me to a tangent. i am really getting sick of others chiding me for using “have to do something.” all of a sudden, it has become politically incorrect for anyone to say they “have to” do something, when certain of my peers are within earshot. the correction is that i “get to” do something as in: “WTF, how can i be so ungrateful for living that i could possibly see anything as a burden.” Th fact of the matter is, clean or not, there are many tasks i do in a day, that i may see as burdensome or as a necessity, no matter how i happen to feel at any particular moment. to be quite honest changing “i have to“ into “i get to” is more than a bit dishonest and is certainly playing to the crowd, instead of being true to myself. the worst part was that it was someone i do not respect or trust, telling the newest of thew new to be politically correct, which really tripped a few bells and whistles, in my judgement machine.
today, i am grateful i have this place to dump and do not care anymore if anyone does or does not read them. ironically, those who i think need this sort of insight the most, is probably the least likely to read this and if they do, believe that there is nothing here for them to learn. it certainly helps me to see how i am doing, using the lens of their behavior, to focus on myself. the strangest part of all of this deep-diving into the dank, dark and musty corners of my psyche, is that i get to find a bit of pleasure in uncovering what was buried under the piles of low self-worth and low self-esteem, that i denied for so many years. today it is a good day to be okay being who i am. today is a good day to walk through life without having to be bigger than life and the life of every party. today it is more than okay to be honest with what i am feeling and taking responsibility for acting out. the current objects of my ire, can do what they choose to do, because i know that giving them, any power at all, diminishes the tiny bit of personal power i actually do have, and just for today i GET to take what power i do have and put it to a better use, than pissing it down the drain on the obtuse and ignorant..

∞ DT ∞