Blog entry for:

that i can behave in whatever manner i desire? yesterday was quite the day, a bus ride, a lost blog, cleaning off my work queue, and seeing one of the men who had been out running and gunning, at a meeting. i wanted to pull him aside and shake the living sh!t out him, then read him the riot act about how his behavior when he was on the outs, was so fVcked up, that he would be spending the next century or so, fixing things. what did i do? i hugged him and said i was glad to see him. something has changed within me lately, that allows me the freedom to move beyond my default behavior more times than not and do the next right thing. this is not the first situation in the drama fess t that has been the last two weeks of my life, where i have stepped back and NOT needed a big juicy rationalization about what i just did, so there is definitely evidence of a bit of growth on my part. yes, sooner or later all of what i have been quiet about, will need to be addressed, but right here and right now? well, maybe this is a rationalization, BUT it just does not feel like it is the time. trusting my gut feeling on this sort of stuff, is not something i am comfortable with, and as i reminded a sponsee last night, my sponse assures me, that if i look at my life with a discerning eye, i will find the evidence of doing better than i am feeling. he reminds me, that after some time clean, my so-called gut feelings become more reliable, not infallible. it is up to me, to learn to trust myself and my instincts again, following the trail of evidence to a valid conclusion, namely that even though i am just a garden variety addict, i can and will get better if i allow the process of the 12 STEPS to work in my life. so the unpleasant conversations i may need to have in the next few days? well they will come, when the time is right. the feelings of disgust and anger i have over the actions of others? well, they are just feelings and will pass if i allow them to. all this and so much more is part of the promise of FREEDOM i was given, way back when. the message of HOPE i get on a daily basis, as long as i remember that IF i need to rationalize or justify, than chances are that i am doing or thinking something that goes against what i stand for.

∞ DT ∞