Blog entry for:

away my recovery.
As I sit here this morning listening to the crash of the wave on the beach and trying to believe that this is not some sort of dream, I wonder and I wander off topic, about whether or not I may be using my desire to appear socially acceptable and normal, to pretend that I am both of those, and not an addict. When I travel, especially to destination resorts, it is easy to look “normal” and just be another Amerrricun tourista. I can be loud, demanding, crass and crude and way over-entitled, and no one seems to notice. I see those behaviors all around me and I want to jump in with both feet and say ME TOO! After all…
Just as I can rationalize my behavior as a guest in a foreign country, blending in as it were with the rest of these “guests” I can pretend that this recovery gig is just a vacation and some day I will return home to the reality of having to use each and every day, and all of that I have achieved was the product of my own hands, without the care and guidance of the POWER that fuels my recovery or the direction I received from my peers in the program. The lie tells me that yes, I can use like a “normal” and keep all that I have, after all…
Yes the magic phrase that wipes away all sorts of sins is “after all.” as I once heard, not one of us of the human race, can get through a single day of living in the real world, without at least ONE juicy rationalization. I would tend to agree, the trick is, am I rationalizing away something valuable, or is it trivial and inconsequential? Cutting someone off on 287 because they were driving far too slow is one thing. Hanging at the pool hall, even though I do not play pool. Just to be social is quite another. Living by values, does not mean I am some goody two shoes wrapped in an aura of niceness. It means I do my best to carry those values into all I do, and when I slip, as in not quite live up to them, I own that I have slipped, repair the damage, if any, that I have done, and move along.
Living my recovery, however, holed me to a higher standard than just getting by. Oh sure, I have been clean for a bit of time and need not be AS vigilant as I was back in the day, but that does not mean I stop being vigilant. I may not need a meeting a day, BUT I do need more than one a week. I may be able to handle social situations where there is drinking, but it does not mean I head to the crack house to rescue another addict, by myself and without telling anyone. The nice part of this whole gig, is that when I live my values, staying clean and thriving in my recovery is not that hard.
Yes I want a life that includes vacations to tropical paradises, late model used cars, a house with a mortgage I can afford, a job with benefits and that I like to go to, and the most importantly the opportunity to be more than I was yesterday. That life, at least for me, means that I have to live a program of recovery and not just theorize and talk about it. It means that for me, this is the reality of my life: I AM AN ADDICT. Only my acceptance of the FIRST STEP, in my heart and soul, allows me the FREEDOM to live like a “normie” and after a bit time, live so that my addiction is undetectable to that other 85% of the human population, which after all is what my rationalization are all about.
So a shower and breakfast await, including some nummy yummy Mexican hot chocolate. It is a good day to be clean, and by the way, I lied when I said tropical, we are actually 1.5 degrees north of the Tropic of Cancer, so it is good to be blogging in a subtropical paradise ;).

∞ DT ∞