Blog entry for:

that i was we destined to die in active addiction. at that time, i was in denial about my true state of being, i did however believe that i was going to use until the day i shuffled off this mortal coil. today i realize that i was hopeless and desperate, i just was not ready to see that. it took a major blow to me life and lifestyle to wake me up from the zombie-like trance i had grown accustomed to living in. needless to say, my “pink cloud,” if i ever had one, was brief to say the least. what i DID get is the grace of a life that quickly went from hopeless to hopeful. early recovery sucked, if it had not been for the looming threat of prison as a consequence of using, i sincerely doubt that i would have been here today to write this little brain dump. no, like one of my sponsees, i would have been dragging along the bottom, struggling to stay clean, for briefer and briefer lengths of time, punctuated with periods of using the bare minimum, to avoid getting sick and getting caught, always wondering behind which door, the consequences of my behavior were waiting to spring out and grab me. not a happy or hopeful sort of life.
this morning, as i sort through some problems with one of my clients, i see that i will have to be more than i was yesterday to fix the problem without chastising him too much for down loading something nasty! after all, the bad guys make clicking on links and visiting bad websites, more and more enticing all the time. it really is sad, that there is not some way for me to make the freedom given by recovery as attractive as the promise of some young hottie from Russia, wanting to show me her assets, as it were. it is sad that getting clean is not as easy as clicking a link in an e-mail that promises i have a $350,000 ATM card waiting for me if i open this e-mail attachment. unlike either of those scenarios, i can get HOPE from a program of recovery, i CAN find a path that leads me from the darkness, that was active addiction and provides me a manner of living that will not take me back there.
anyhow, the time to move along is upon me. today i have HOPE. today i have FAITH. most of all today i have the DESIRE to stay clean no matter what, and with that in mind, i do believe i will spring into this busy day.

∞ DT ∞