Blog entry for:

that i was destined to die an addict, whether or not it was addiction that ended up killing me. abstinence DOES NOT cure all ills, but it is certainly a very good start. meeting attendance will not make me a better person, but it is where i NEED to go, so that i can hear what i need to hear to stay clean today. taking on newcomers as “projects” is NOT carrying the message in my opinion and living a program of recovery means that i do not have to feel dirty about what i have done in the course of my day. quite a set of caveats before i even get to what i heard this morning, as i sat. without all of that i could certainly be a very good “bad example,” and i CHOOSE to go a different direction BECAUSE it is the next right thing to do. life in recovery, at least to me, means adapting my life to fit my program and part of that “refitting” is taking a look at the attitudes, beliefs and behaviors, that i polished to a very high gloss finish in addiction and see what may need to be discarded, what needs to be altered and yes, what i can keep, and be okay with what i did today, when i lay my head on the pillow, each night. so how does any of that, have to do with moving from being self-centered to becoming GOD-centered? an excellent question and far from rhetorical! as the echoes of what i have heard at meetings the past few days, resounded in my “quiet” moments i came to the realization that this set of steps is all about my relationship with the spiritual path that became clear over the past set of steps, and i need to move beyond being the center of my spiritual world and start including what i once dismissed as part of how i live, today. as i have shared ad infintum, it seems, my spiritual path is no longer the path of most of my peers, and the spiritual crisis that i once FEARED, being different than my peers, does not need to drive me from the fellowship or this path of recovery. becoming more GOD-centered, even if i do not see GOD as my peers do, does not make me any different than my peers.the truth is, i can be selfish, self-entitles and self-centered and the only path to becoming less so, is through my current set of steps. when i see everything as part of the whole, the balance i DESIRE, can only be achieved by listening to my peers and deciding whether or not i want to remain where i am, or move forward into the light. i have been balking at this step cycle, because once again, i cannot see where it will lead and like most of my peers, FEAR of change often colors my world with seeking the ways and means to avoid it, after all i have been clean for a minute, why would i DESIRE the opportunity to become less comfortable in how i see the world and my relationship to that world? FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT, are the antithesis of HOPE and FAITH and yet FUD is where i once resided full-time and still appears to be a comfortable place to return to, as i walk through my day.
what i am trying to get around to, is what my last 11TH STEP was all about, i may no longer ask for anything more than the power to stay clean, help letting go of what i cannot affect change on and the ability to see the next right thing, right off the bat, but that does make prayer any less important in my daily life. listening to my heart and allowing myself to feel the answers, is what that eventually leads to and in my book, that seems to be the very definition of becoming more GOD-centered. carrying that forward into my life in the “real” world, is the message i seem to be hearing this morning. i have a choice today: succumb to the FUD that comprises the stories i tell myself or allow a new story to be written, by the POWER that fuels my recovery. today i choose the new stories and that means the time has come for me to look at how my resistance to change, is making my life unmanageable, just for today.

∞ DT ∞