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is a tough task this morning. yesterday evening i found out that my Dad was much worse off than i thought he was, as the infection in hip has affected his aortic valve and in the long run, my family and i will need to decide whether or not he will have open-heart surgery, which he is unlikely to survive. today, i have to go meet with his medical care team and give him the news and ask him how far he wants us to go, when the time comes to “pull the trigger” on that step. i have been the optimist the whole time he has been in the hospital, holding out the HOPE that he would get better and come home, once again, and now i am not so sure about that. feeling anywhere close to “GOD-centered” does not seem in the cards.
it has fallen to me, to be his medical decision-maker and i know what my Mom already wants to do. due to my currently strained and complicated relationship with her, as the result of my FOURTH and FIFTH STEPS, my will seems to say F_CK her and do whatever he tells me to do, exercising my power, in a brutal manner as vengeance for her “sins” of the past. knowing how i feel and what i am quite capable of doing. the reading brought me off that ledge, at least for right now, as i consider what i will need to do. right here and right now, i just want to numb out and ignore everything and run. what i am going to do, after a restless night, is to work-out in the snow, let go of everything and allow myself the FREEDOM to feel.
here is where i almost regret having a spiritual path that is based on a loving and caring GOD, of any sort. that i know is a throwback to the “foxhole” version of GOD, with which i walked into the rooms. in reality, i can find solace in knowing that i have the support of my sponsor, my spouse , my friend and my peers, as i walk this path. i am also certain that i have the ability in place to step into a role that i do not feel properly prepared for, but the question seems to be, is anyone really prepared to make a decision to allow a parent to fade into the sunset or do everything in their power to keep them around, one more day, even if they are suffering? as rhetorical as that may sound, that is my reality today. before the world wakes up and starts demanding my full attention, it is time for me to suit up and get out into the streets. the answer is not there, but the balance i lack this morning, may be found in letting go for forty-five minutes and feeling the void, while i exercise my body.

∞ DT ∞