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for all my problems was the attitude nearly killed me. yesterday, writing this, i was more than a little scattered. this morning after sleeping in to almost 8 AM, i have the time and the desire to concentrate on this task only. during the meeting of my home group yesterday, i had a bit of insight as to how i could reconcile the notion that i can use again successfully. i remembered an old math idea that i can prove that 1 + 1 = 3. the whole basis of that proof relies on ignoring the fact that one cannot divide by zero. you can look the proof up on the internet, but what it led me to was that just like the basic assumption that you cannot divide by zero, i am an addict. that is the basis of my recovery, just as division by zero is the basis of math. when i choose to divide by zero in my life, well all sorts of ridiculous results are achieved. the equation for this metaphor than becomes clean time + a normal looking life must mean that i can use like the other 85%, only IF i ignore the basic assumption that i am an addict. dividing by zero is an undefined function, and not being an addict, well for me is also undefined, as i have come to the conclusion that is part of the way i was wired from the get go. no matter how i want to slice and dice it. the fact is, from that very first time i got high, it was on, and although it took a bit of time for my life to spin down into active addiction, from the start i wanted to feel that feeling again, and i spent the next phase of my life, working towards that goal, at the expense of everything else in my life. what more evidence do i require?
over the course of that part of my life, as i spun down deeper and deeper, i NEEDED to cast blame. after all, since in the world around me no one used the way i did, and since i could not see that i was an addict, it had to be someone else's fault, even if it was the world in general. long before i discovered or was sentenced to a life of abstinence. i was already doing my best to deflect blame and protect my ever diminishing self-respect and value. today, while i can accept that i am an addict and need not find the cause or the condition that made me so, i still want to return to that comfortable feeling that someone, anyone else is to blame for my condition and my life in general, when things are not going according to my plan. just as those stinky beat-up pair of shoes feels so good, but look like crap, this attitude provides me the comfort of looking elsewhere for the root of my problems and believing that i am somehow the victim of a horrible divine practical joke. i can still hear the words of my sponsee as he railed against the injustice of facing his consequences, “i am a good person and do not deserve to go to prison.”
yes, i am a good person, that behaved badly. i can no longer blame the world and the people in it for my problems and nor can i blame addiction either, as that has become my familiar scape goat. once again deflecting the blame away for the real root cause of my problems and frustration, namely that i am entitled and deserve something more, whether i worked for it or not. it all boils down to an abrogation of my responsibilities. i want all that is comfortable and nice in my life BUT i do not want to do what it takes. after all, the world owes me something! that is where the whole thing breaks down -- the world owes me nothing BUT the chance to make something more of myself, which today i CHOOSE to make a part of my daily activities.
yes it is comforting to blame everyone and everything else for my problems, but it is even more comforting to see what i can change, accept the power to do so, and make steps to a more acceptable life, after all one cannot divide by zero.

∞ DT ∞