Blog entry for:

for all my problems was the attitude that nearly killed me. **if only they would leave me alone,** is the strain of my refrain and no owning responsibility or accepting my life for what it is, i all part of the game i played with myself. the outcome of denial of responsibility and blaming something or someone else for the problems that my life was seemingly riddled with, kept me using for two decades and even when i appeared that i might have a problem, there was always an excuse or three to blame even that on.
coming into recovery, at least the abstinence part did very little to change that attitude, i just learned how to sublimate it and keep it on the down low. no, it was not until i finally claimed my seat in the rooms, by becoming a member that i started to accept that maybe there was something more to life without using, than just not using. the reading this morning, after my nap last night, gets down and dirty by avoiding the terms “positive” and “negative” when it come to evaluating and accepting my life. in fact it goes beyond that by equating those terms to events and situations, to whether or not i “like” them. this may where i got the notion that the positive and negative separation has to cease, but it was not until way far down the road, well withing my third set of steps, that i finally started to get the desire to let go of labeling the events and processes in my life at all. i am sure that for many, that makes me a “negative” person, as i embrace who i am, instead of trying to fit into some sort of predefined role of what an addict in recovery is supposed to look like.
today? well i am far from acceptance of what i have been given and nowhere near grateful day by day by day. i feel put on upon, by the newbie clients, who refuse to take matters into their own hands and actually investigate the situation. what i am feeling this morning, is that for me, it may be time for a change and to start looking at the new offers that are coining into my e-mail on a daily basis. i have yet to see one that makes me want to jump, but there are certainly one or two that pique my interest today. what i am also feeling is that it is my friends and our activities that are more important than what i do for a living and where i do it. last night, i was able to let go and enjoy LUZIA, and forget about the angst that seems to fill me every single day as i drive down to work. instead of gratitude, there is bitterness and anger and yes a whole lot of entitlement going on., don't they know who the fVck i am!?
i can stay in this selfish, self-entitled world or i can let go, accept the money they throw at me and look for a change of employment, BUT take a bit of gratitude that i do not have to do so while wondering how the fVck in am going to pay my bills. so with that in mind, perhaps it will be a better day at work than yesterday!

∞ DT ∞