Blog entry for:

the core of addiction, at bay. the key to this however, is doing it as if i was committing some sort of crime. i know how strange that may sound, but when i do something, such as helping others and do not get observed while doing it, i do not get the opportunity to feed my ego. this all comes down to what i keep hearing one of the men i work with say: “i am a good man after all, i help out people all the time.”
just like him, i can and have in the past suffered from low self-esteem. in those cases i need the reward of other people noticing the good i am doing and commenting upon it. time in recovery and an active recovery program, has changed that to almost embarrassment when i get comments on my activities of helping someone out. there are quite a few reasons for that feeling, and some of them not so pretty. the worst one goes back to a sense of false humility, that some members who were present when i got here, instilled in me. they are not to blame, as it was me, who internalized what i thought was appropriate behavior, but as i get better, i can see that there is a whole lot of room between the extremes of hiding my light under a bushel and shouting what a great guy i am, form the rooftops. true humility lies somewhere in that vast grey area.
this is, however not about humility today and getting sidetracked down that tangent was fun and possibly instructive fro me, but what i heard when i listened this morning and what i am hearing now, is that i can do the next right thing, for no reason at all. that is what this is all about anyhow -- getting out of self. ironically, one of the members who i have a problem listening to, when he deigns to provide me with his wisdom of so many years around the rooms, keeps talking about praying for others. while i see that as a possible start, as it was for me way back in my early days, prayers feel like wishes to me sometimes, and only the action of searching for and seizing the opportunity to help out, feels like what i NEED to do today. if i get caught in the act? oh well, busted, guilty as charged. if i get away with it? cool it means i can keep on practicing stealth kindness and not soil my reputation of being a hard-ass. although as i wind down to the bottom of this particular entry i do have a prayer for someone else, i certainly pray that the sponsee who is facing the parole board gets exactly what he deserves, as he has certainly been asking for justice since he came out of his drug-induced haze. what he deserves is a question i have not looked at, nor will i ever, as it is not up to me. since i have no opinion on that matter, i will rightfully surrender into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. who knows what will transpire as this day moves forward, i do know that it is time to get up, shower off and head on over to the office for a very short work week. oh yeah, it is a great day to be clean and practice kindness as if it was a felony, the joy will then be in the act itself and not the reward.

∞ DT ∞