Blog entry for:

others have caused me shame or embarrassment; all of them have influenced who i am today.
well now for something completely different! no, i am not an onion, that needs to have my layers peeled back, bit by bit. no, my journey through recovery is not one of discovery, as everything i am finding out about who and what i am, i already know, i prefer the term uncovery. saying that i am on a journey of self-discovery is no less absurd than saying Columbus discovered the so-called “New World”; there were already people living there, so he could hardly discover it!
with that nasty bit of bidness complete, i guess i can continue.
as you can see i am in a bit of a mood today. not really, what i am in, is the end of a NINTH STEP and i am resisting doing the writing so i can go make those amends and move back on to STEP TEN in a very formal manner. ironically, and it really is, the reading does not speak to me about my upcoming step work work, but letting myself come to terms with who i am, once again. i so want to be part of the world, and yet i so want to run away and hide. last night, as i actually listened to others, i see that perhaps it is time to let that particular service commitment go. which goes directly to the part of me that is tired of missing out, because i have to go here and there, to carry the message to the barely willing, which as cynical as it sounds, certainly is not the mind set that i need these days. of course, this too shall pass, and before i ruin to burn my bridges and salt the fields behind me, i will need to stop, pause, write out my amends and sit down once again with my sponse, to get this garbage off my plate. no not the amends, the feelings, attitudes and reactions that led me to cause harm in the first place. nothing new here. nothing to be discovered, but plenty of stuff to be revealed. i know the difference seems miniscule, but i strive these days to be precise in my language. it has always been a trait of mine, and i used it to my advantage, back in the day. if i zeroed in on what i said, i could lead others to believe what i wanted them to believe, without telling a lie. this trait continues to serve me well in the recovery process, as i can detect the lies i tell myself, by listening to the language i use. more importantly by focusing in on what others are saying, i hear the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery, even when i am tallying the white space between ideas.
anyhow, as i get towards the bottom of this exercise, i feel a whole lot better. i may not have discovered what was is going on with me this morning, but i certainly have revealed that i am not quite as spiritually fit, as i would like to be. i have now heard the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and that voice is telling me to let go, take a deep breath and be at peace, in the here and now. i am not who i once was, and if i allow IT to do the job, i will become the man i have always dreamt of becoming, one day at a time. no discovery there either, but plenty of stuff revealed.

∞ DT ∞