Blog entry for:

the practical foundation of the fellowship that continues to provide me the way forward through life and its ups and downs. i am glad that there was a fellowship here when i finally got clean and phase-shifted from mere abstinence to active recovery. today, i am getting the opportunity to forgive a peer who walked off with an item of mine, because they believed that someone had “left it behind.” the problem i am having is why someone would assume it was okay to talk something that did not belong to them. although the item they “stole” does not have a huge financial value, it is rare and something i cherished. i am still fuming over the fact that they are entitled to take something and can rationalize it away and want to tell them that they are a little shit and need to stop walking around so self-entitled, as people often come back for things they leave behind. that peer is now in ghosting me and perhaps will make the effort to return it, if not, i now know who i am dealing with and it will take a minute before i can trust that one person again. it does not, however, lessen my opinion of my fellow travelers in recovery, just this little punk ass one.
there was once a time when i believed i was owed something from the fellowship, other than the ways and means to create a life worth living. as i became a part of the fellowship, i developed very strong opinions about what was and what was not recovery. coming from a town where addicts had to go to the “liquid fellowship” to get recovery, these opinions manifest in odd and certainly borderline abusive ways. my actions were an attempt to create an identity for the fellowship that is my home and were far from building unity with those who were trying to find their way into it. i am grateful today, that i did not destroy what i was attempting to build and that it thrived after i came to mend my “evil ways.”
i still have strong opinions today and more often than not, they are in line with those of my peers, but differ in the details. i know that allowing myself to express my opinion, in a manner that is not loud, outrageous or abusive, may turn a decision towards the one i favor. i also know that it is my job to support decisions made by group conscience process, as i have FAITH that it is next correct thing to do. anyhow, i need to get some steps in, to burn out a bit of my hate and anger, so i do not take it out on someone who is ill-prepared to face consequences of my unbridled wrath. someday, they may realize that they are not the center of the universe and are not entitled to take stuff that is laying around, that no one seems to be watching. for my sanity and serenity, i need to let go of this shit and allow them the freedom to find their own way back into the light, just as i am attempting to do in the here and now.

∞ DT ∞