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i will lighten up and have some fun today. with that in mind, i will of course launch into a serious diatribe about this or that, maybe. ironically, what i heard when i sat down and listened this morning. lately there are people in my life, who are giving me a “slimy” feeling when i spend any time hanging with them.there is nothing overt in their actions, or at least nothing i have detected that provides the evidence for this growing distrust and unease, and yet there it is. i have gone through the maybe i am jealous route and that i am just being envious and petty. that worked for a bit, but in those cases usually i would be using my influence to undermine them. at least, that was how it was back in the day, so there may a bit of jealousy going on here, i am after all socially retarded and do not flow into a room of people as the life of the party. anyhow, i sigh as i get back from my distraction on FB. the question remains for me, how do i tell someone i think that they are being less than honest and not living with integrity, when i have nothing overt to back it up? the fact is, i do not, so i create some physical distance between us, until such time, i resolve whatever it is that is going on inside of me, or i discover that they are doing what i feel they are doing, and have some evidence.
that is part of what sucks about being in recovery. when i was in active addiction, i could trust my intuition to take me to the places i needed to be, deal with the people i needed to deal with and protect myself from discovery, almost all the time. in early recovery, i learned that my intuition was wrong about nearly everything, except feeding my addiction, when they say “first thought, WRONG!” it was quite true, back in those days. being clean, working a program of sorts, i am coming to see, that my intuition about people and situations, is returning to the finely honed machine, it once was, but i lack the evidence to act on some of the stuff i know intuitively is correct. so i vacillate between pretending and pulling away, always wondering when the hammer will come down and i will have to 'fess up.
am i having fun yet? well, just for today, i think a bit of distance will be a better bet than hanging out and simmering on a low boil. i think a bit of temporal distance would be good as well, and i can and will do my best to figure out, if it is me that is fVcked up or not. i did share that often i find, the problem lies with me and not the other party. it is time to pack it up, grab a shower and hit the trail over to Boulder, because i do still have a job today.

∞ DT ∞