Blog entry for:

of my addiction often feels like something that i would be crying about, if i had never learned to see it in a different light. as i deal with stuff at work this morning, i stop and pause to consider where i might be, if i worked in the oil and gas bidness. yeah, my job is not glamorous or high profile and is approaching its end-of-life. all things considered, i do have a job, i can pay the bills and keep the lights on, so the absurdity of my addiction, is that is never enough! ;🤣
one is too many and a thousand never enough, applies to just about everything i am. before moving to deep into the irony and absurdity of this addict's life, there is a HUGE CAVEAT: addiction is a serious condition and one that brought me to my knees more than once, even after i got clean. abstinence from using substances is just addressing one dimension of my addiction. true, it is a requirement for this addict to continue down the path to becoming something i never was: genuine, whole and self-assured. for me, as i have discovered over the course of the days i have been clean, it is not enough, as addiction affects me in ways i never imagined, way back when i was struggling to find a place in this recovery program. today, however is not the pitfalls of being an addict, that has been well documented. no today, i can lighten-up a bit and see that what i want and what i need are not the same things, even though in my addict heart i often think they are.
as i deal with my peers and their behaviors, attitudes and words hold up a mirror to show me who i am, i am often amazed how over-entitled, selfish and self-centered i still am. one might conclude that the program is having little or no effect on how i live my life. that one, would be me, and not you, as i am always the harshest critic of me. the fact is, that wanting more, the nature of my addiction, also applies to wanting to be “more better” at light speed. my recovery pace never seems to be complete enough, nor quick enough, even though i have not been “running and gunning” for quite some time. transference of my insatiable appetite for “getting high” to “getting weller” is quite absurd. when i think about that fact, i cannot contain my laughter. i want what i want and i want it now, is a credo that still drives me from time to time, well most of the time. the good news? well i can see it for what it is, DESIRE and DESIRE is at the root of most my “issues.” i have come to look at addiction as that part of me that lives in uncontrolled and insatiable DESIRE, every waking moment of my life. my recovery program, provides the brakes to that hunger and gives me the FREEDOM to move beyond living in that “black hole.”
one of those appetites, these days, is getting thinner and fitter, which is not necessarily a bad thing. it is the time of day, where i go get my steps, raise my heart rate and get a bit of quiet from the chorus of story-tellers that is in my head. it is a good day to realize that i am doing better than i think and that if i pay attention, i may even get a few things that i want, just for today.

∞ DT ∞