Blog entry for:

people gripping the arms of their chairs with white knuckles. yes i certainly can be one of those, grim-faced for sure, but white-knuckled? not so much! i do take my recovery seriously and i have always been one of those dark, and far too serious sorts of people. knowing that, as i stick around and stay clean, and work the steps, i have discovered that i can be true to who i am, as well as have a whole lot of a “little bit of fun.” so this certainly one of those readings, that can be all sunshine and roses. i may not feed my head with a continuous diet of “positive” thoughts and affirmations, but i certainly am capable at looking at the irony and absurdity that i present in my life. as one of those who thinks too much, i can certainly laugh at myself and move along, after all, most humor derives from absurdity and irony.
part of the issue, at least for me, is that i am socially retarded. somewhere along the line, i never learned how to be a very social creature and that shrink who diagnosed me at the beginning of my recovery journey, may not have been as far off the mar5k as i once thought. long before i ever picked up, i was emotionally sensitive and happier all alone, than in a group. that very first get high, changed that, as long as i was high and for twenty-five plus years, my whole social life revolved around the getting and using and finding the ways and means. that lifestyle as it were, active addiction, did very little to relieve the underlying causes and conditions, my social anxiety and awkwardness. in fact, it probably contributed to it, as now i had the crutch to get out of the house and see the world. the shrink that diagnosed said that my “high anxiety,” would have probably turned me into an agoraphobic, had i not found the chemical substitute for confidence and ease of mind. the reason i bring this up today is because i still see that as a factor in how i am living. part of the reason why i seem to intimidate those who do not know me, is because i appear cold, standoffish and aloof. one of those grim-faced members who takes everything far too seriously.
i can say that step work has allowed me to overcome my social anxiety, without the use of the modern day alchemy that is medication, and for that i am grateful. recovery also has allowed me to grow into a friend, a peer and yes someone who can be respected and be respectful to those who happen to cross my path. i can certainly still be self-centered and self-obsessed but just for today, i am good with just being myself and maybe, just maybe i will get the chance to have a bit of fun and a laugh or two with my friends and my peers.

∞ DT ∞