Blog entry for:

excuses and rationalizations for my failures. today? well today, i try and put my energy into looking for the opportunities to take a risk and see where it goes. my definition of failure has been altered and sometimes, just trying to do something new, is a success in and of itself.
however, that was not what i heard when i read the reading this morning and sat down to listen for the still quiet voice within, which some may call the voice of GOD. before i digress, what i heard this morning, was not about me, per se, but the few men who have been on my mind lately. men who have been in the program, men who had some recovery and for one reason or another are now choosing a lifestyle that does not include abstinence from drugs, nor adhering to a spiritual program. i am not casting a judgement of their choices, after all, they and and only they know what is best for themselves. no what i felt as i listened was a wonderment of why that is not me, after all, i am no different from any of them, save a bit older. certainly i am no wiser nor am i any closer to being beatified and inducted into the roll of saints. so what is it, that keeps me from making the same choice. the answer that keeps coming up, is there is ABSOLUTELY nothing that is keeping me here, secure in the program of recovery, save a desire to be something different than another using addict. could i readily trade the fulfillment i get from going to a job that i like, in a career field that allows me to be creative as well as rational and has the ability to provide instant gratification, for twenty minutes of chemical bliss? well i certainly have that ability, so the question better put is would i, and the answer happens to be: NOT TODAY. today, i may not have any old dreams awakening or a fulfillment of any new ones, but i do have an event horizon of expanding possibilities, that was never possible, back in the day. there are no cops looking for me, i do not owe my soul and next paycheck to the dope man and i am not ducking friend, lovers and acquaintances, because of something i did last night. none of that is part of my life today and all of that in one way or another may be a part of those friends who have decided that just a little sumthin', sumthin' is par for the course today.
all of that is external and really beside the point. what i really am grateful for is the depth of knowledge i have about myself and how i can see that where i am going, is not where i have been. yes, the path of recovery becomes tougher as i stay clean and apply the principles to my current life. the gift i get is i no longer feel incomplete, if i do not have someone, anyone in my life, which is easy to say when i am in a committed relationship. that relationship, is the result of the program and not despite it. i was taught to be patient and wait until i was ready, and when i was, voilà there it was. i was taught to be tolerant and to be open with others and as a result, i am getting connected with the other members of the fellowship, on a level that was impossible for me until this set of steps. more and more, i am being taught that i am worth something, today, exactly as i am, and actually starting to believe that. more importantly i can see that i am choosing a manner of living that will give me more than i can ever imagine, and the only catch is that just for today, i remain abstinent. no longer am i inventing excuses for why something went wrong. no longer am i seeking to cover my tracks, literally and figuratively. and yes no longer am i a piece of sh!t, that is not worth saving.
all in all, quite a bit of daisies this morning and a rainbow or two, i guess even the most cynical can have a Mary Poppins moment. so let the gushing end as i prepare to get showered and shaved and head on over to that job. it is quite a good day to be clean and as long as i am on this side of the greass, even better to live a program of active recovery.

∞ DT ∞