Blog entry for:

one day at a time, no matter what.
where am i at this morning? better than i was yesterday, certainly more present and better prepared to face the real world, at least right now. ironically, the one person that wants my time and attention, seems to be oblivious to the fact that i have a life that is focused on daylight. quite honestly once i get home, get comfortable and start to unwind from my day, the last thing i WANT to do is change, leave the house all because someone cannot get their lives together enough to call me during the day and arrange a time and place to get together. such is the life of a using addict: self-centered, chaotic, and self-entitled. each time i get disrespected by this particular person, my esteem for them falls that much more, and i become that much less willing to do anything for them, after all, what is really my payoff? i will i feel more self-respect or self-esteem, if like some sick and twisted knight in not so shiny armor, ride off to their rescue, once again? will i get a boost of confidence when i let them shame me into doing something for them, that i do not want to do? will i feel like a whole human being, when i allow them to walk all over me, because i was not available on their time and schedule? will i feel better when they ramble on about nothing, in a chaotic, half coherent manner, because they are too high to put together more than one thought at a time? and the answer is NO! although i am not one to plan out my feelings, i am fairly certain that is all of that comes to pass, i will not feel very good about myself, and based on my previous experience, to go into a meeting with any expectation of a different outcome is just fVcking NUTZ!
so it looks like i NEED to have the courage to walk away or at least change the power structure here. i am powerless over using addicts, but i am not powerless over how i use my time. i am willing to give my friend the benefit of the doubt. i am willing to give them a chance. i am not willing to do much more than that. i have been burnt more than once, and just about the time, the pain starts to fade, <BOOM> here it comes again, let me into your life, i just NEED…
well after that bit of a mind dump, it is time to get rolling on over to work. who knows what today will bring, other than the opportunity to be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞