Blog entry for:

more than hard work and it certainly requires more than just the desire to stay clean no matter what. going to lots of meetings and staying clean in between is certainly a fair strategy, BUT all of these are pretty useless for this addict, if i lack the courage to persevere through whatever life throws at me. one of my least favorite refrains, is when one of my peers tell me that they used because they could not handle the feelings that came from certain events in their lives. it gets worse when they get stuck in that mode and feel that sharing how their loss “made” them use. my distaste probably arises from the fact that although i never needed an excuse to get high, finding a good one is something the part of me i call addiction craves with all its might: a rational and justifiable excuse to trip back into chemical bliss.
that is not what i heard this morning, however applicable that notion may be. no, what i heard is how my courage carries me through the times when i just want to pitch this whole gig and call it a day. as i decide whether or not to get off my a$$ and shovel the snow off my front walk, once again, i am struck by how little i have to say. going on about when i had tough times and stayed clean seems a bit like bragging this morning. writing about how terrible some of the aspects of my life are today, seems like petulant whining. quite honestly, there really are no “biggies” in my life these days. of course that can change in a flash. waiting for that “other shoe” to drop, is a task i have no desire to engage in and planning for an inevitable disaster, does little to prepare me for reality. practicing courage today, for me anyhow, consists of doing the next right thing whether or not anyone sees me doing it. i guess that means, bundling up and pushing the snow off the concrete in front of my house, as i have a bit of wait time for my work computer to return from its updates. oh yeah, staying clean, no matter what seems to be a nice corollary to doing the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞