Blog entry for:

of courage, is certainly a requirement to live another day of active recovery, at least for this addict. of course, being courageous and being fearless are not the same thing, regardless of how similar those two ideas may seem. this is not, however, an exercise about the difference between those two states, rather what courage in facing life on life's terms means to me today.
it is true, that after s few days clean, what i once feared and had to face, is not what i fear today., sure the old bugaboo of not being good enough and my fear of being found out, is still present in my life as manifested in my character defect of low self-esteem and expressed in my shortcoming of looking better than i am doing. life in recovery, is certainly not something i get by “ass-mosis” or by thinking that i “got” this recovery gig down. not only am i powerless over my own addiction, i am even more powerless over the addiction of others. i CANNOT, no matter how hard i try, make anyone write their steps, go to meetings, reach out to other addicts, or take responsibility for their lives. no matter what i “see,” they like me, have the FREEDOM to choose their own paths. i used to think it was courage to manipulate those around me, into taking a little bit of responsibility, but what it really was, was a lack of FAITH in the process and my belief that their state of recovery, was somehow a reflection of my own. not the slightest self-centered or egotistical!
for me, life on its own terms, is really not all that difficult today, at least when i stop living in the irrational FEAR that seems to riddle my entire being. where once upon a time i was afraid of living without dope, and hated the idea. oi have come to see, the little drop of courage i used to meet my goal, of getting off paper, was worth it. where once i feared relapse as if it was some boogeyman lurking in the shadows, that was poised to jump me, if i showed the slightest weakness, i now see that FEAR kept me from living in the present tense and allowing myself the FREEDOM to make decisions, accept the changes manifest in the recovery process and be responsible for my life and my recovery. where i once FEARED my feelings, i have found that coming to embrace them and “feel my way” to the next right thing, is the only way for me to live today. each and every time, i manned up enough to face my FEAR and walk through it, practicing a bit of courage as it were, i GOT that much better and today, i am not afraid of taking some time off and forgetting about work for the next 8 days, my job will still be there and i have nothing to proves to the powers that be.
maybe tomorrow morning i will sleep past 6 AM. maybe tomorrow HOA, will finally approve the colors we will be painting, maybe tomorrow wild monkeys will fly out of my ass. today, however i am going to step out, do something nice for me and be okay living life as courageously as i can, just for today.

∞ DT ∞