โ the paradox of the First Step :
Posted: Tue, Jan 13, 2015 07:18:02 AM
i surrender to win, and by surrendering i gain a far greater power than i ever imagined possible. well, i am up early today so i can hit the road to work early, and as i sit here dealing with one of the strangest set of events i have been involved in lately, i wonder what does it take to reach the point of surrender.
for me, it was not prison, or the threat thereof, that was just what got me to the rooms, and what kept me clean for long enough to have some rationality penetrate my thick, stubborn skull. i had no intention of actually staying clean for any length of time, past the day i walked away from the justice system, and yet, here i am many days later. so if incarceration was not enough, what was it that tipped me over the edge?
part of the reason i have never relapsed was for me, early recovery just plain out sucked. it was the most miserable six months of my experience and the very thought of possibly having to do it again, put me off. there was of course, some pride and working to build the front of a model recovering person as well, that got me close to that point. what it actually took was thirteen months of treading water, doing as little as possible, and trying to work more than an angle or two, before i saw that maybe i needed to revise my notion of what i was. even then,, finally surrendering to addiction was a long and drawn out affair, that has brought me to this place today.
today, without hesitation or any reservations, i surrender to the fact that i am an addict, and that across the course of my day, i will NOT react as the other 85% to the stimuli of my environment. cryptic texts at oh dark thirty in the morning will weigh on my mind, even when i consider the source. it goes deeper than that, as demonstrated when i drive to work in a little bit. i will take every bad behavior of the commuters as a personal affront and believe that somehow they have it out for me. and yet, when i pause and consider who and what i am, it makes perfect sense. i came to recovery as a selfish, self-entitled, self-seeking person, to expect myself to react through any other lens is quite a stretch. and yet, more time s than not, i can be selfless and giving, even when i am clueless about what it is i may have done to piss someone off. when i admit i am an addict and concede that i powerless over addiction, i GET to move forward into a different world. yes i GET to be more than just another addict. i GET to be an addict in recovery, seeking a new manner in which to live.
anyhow the roads are slick and i am not in the mood to play commuter with a bunch of other tools just like me, who want to get to work, first and before the rest of the tools hit the road. yes that sort of circular logic will do me in, but just for today, i have a way out and it certainly is not a dose of sumthin', sumthin'
for me, it was not prison, or the threat thereof, that was just what got me to the rooms, and what kept me clean for long enough to have some rationality penetrate my thick, stubborn skull. i had no intention of actually staying clean for any length of time, past the day i walked away from the justice system, and yet, here i am many days later. so if incarceration was not enough, what was it that tipped me over the edge?
part of the reason i have never relapsed was for me, early recovery just plain out sucked. it was the most miserable six months of my experience and the very thought of possibly having to do it again, put me off. there was of course, some pride and working to build the front of a model recovering person as well, that got me close to that point. what it actually took was thirteen months of treading water, doing as little as possible, and trying to work more than an angle or two, before i saw that maybe i needed to revise my notion of what i was. even then,, finally surrendering to addiction was a long and drawn out affair, that has brought me to this place today.
today, without hesitation or any reservations, i surrender to the fact that i am an addict, and that across the course of my day, i will NOT react as the other 85% to the stimuli of my environment. cryptic texts at oh dark thirty in the morning will weigh on my mind, even when i consider the source. it goes deeper than that, as demonstrated when i drive to work in a little bit. i will take every bad behavior of the commuters as a personal affront and believe that somehow they have it out for me. and yet, when i pause and consider who and what i am, it makes perfect sense. i came to recovery as a selfish, self-entitled, self-seeking person, to expect myself to react through any other lens is quite a stretch. and yet, more time s than not, i can be selfless and giving, even when i am clueless about what it is i may have done to piss someone off. when i admit i am an addict and concede that i powerless over addiction, i GET to move forward into a different world. yes i GET to be more than just another addict. i GET to be an addict in recovery, seeking a new manner in which to live.
anyhow the roads are slick and i am not in the mood to play commuter with a bunch of other tools just like me, who want to get to work, first and before the rest of the tools hit the road. yes that sort of circular logic will do me in, but just for today, i have a way out and it certainly is not a dose of sumthin', sumthin'
∞ DT ∞