Blog entry for:

who have been in the same predicament, with the same needs, and who have found tools that work for them. across the course of my recovery, my relationship with the fellowship, locally and worldwide has undergone many transformations, some for the better, some for the worse, but in the long run, what it always seems to end up, is that i am dependent on the fellowship as a whole to get what i need to live my life in the manner i have grown accustomed to. WHEW, a very long and tiresome sentence, i was staring to feel like William Faulkner there, for a brief slice of time. as i sat quietly this morning a couple of things resonated in my head, the first being a newcomer showing a multiple year key tag hanging out of their pocket, and what emotional reaction cascaded through me, as i reacted to that sight. the second being what a perpetual newest member of the clan had to share about what they thought their life was like, and once again my reaction to it.
the former? well i was pissed off as all of a sudden i felt the impact of the lies deceit and dishonesty from way back when, come crashing down on me. i wanted to reach out and say who the fVck do you think you are fronting that sort of sh!t around here, keep coming back for the next to years to get a REAL ONE,as i am sure the one you are wearing was one you never earned . when i sat to review my day last night, i was overcome by a sense of gratitude, that what i felt and thought did not have to enter into the real world. that addict? well that addict may or may not have any recovery, as they have chosen to keep themselves separate from us, for the most part, for whatever reasons. i know that my judgement as to their motives for showing up or not showing up, for fronting what they are or are not, are their motives. i can ascribe what i would be feeling and how i would be acting if i was walking in their shoes, but in reality, until they let me in, i am clueless about what they want, need, feel or think.
which brings me to the other addict, that stirred my restless soul last night. they shared about how to forgive themselves by reinterpreting the past. an interesting take on letting go of the past, and one that i may try some time in the future. rationalizing and justifying the events that i was to stupidly fVcked up for, to properly digest, react to and participate in, would make for a wonderful telling on my next FIFTH STEP, and i am certain that Carlos would get quite a kick out of that. the path, for me to self-acceptance and for forgiving myself, has nothing to do with how i view my past and more about how i view myself. i did my share of fVcked up things to myself and other people across the course of my active addiction and some of that has leaked into recovery as well. seeing that crap for what it is, bad behaviors, bad decision-making and selfish self-seeking, only strengthens my desire to let it go and move on. i am worth more than enough to forgive myself for what i did or did not do, in my past without having to sugarcoat and spin it into something that i can say is “positive.” by seeing who i was back then, and not dwelling on my motivations and justifications for how i behaved, i GET to free myself from being a victim of my past. i can FORGIVE myself, without conditions, because today i esteem and respect myself, and am certain that the correct path for me, is to stay clean today, no matter what.
and you know who taught me that? it was NOT DR Phil, any addiction treatment counselor or mental health worker. it was the members of the fellowship i call my home, it is my peers in recovery, regardless of how many days they have clean, that give me the ability to grow beyond the cringing fearful, isolated loner that walked into the rooms fronting how much better and different he was than everyone else who was there. yeah that was me, many days ago, and that man , although he mat exists within me somewhere, is no longer evident in most of my life. the echoes of that man, still plague me from time to time, as when oi throw a judgement about someone fronting something they are not or disrespecting me, but that too passes, when i allow it, by me using what i have been taught to use, which is not the next substance that comes down the pike.
yes i am grateful today,m that i have friends, peers and acquaintances in recovery. i am grateful that they are unique and have their own twist on how to do this gig. most of all, i am grateful that just for today, i do not have to scrape along the bottom; homeless, penniless, jobless and hopeless, trying to convince myself that i do not need a program of recovery, as that is where i will likely end up, the day i decide i am not worth staying clean. so it is off to work i go.

∞ DT ∞