Blog entry for:

a group of people who know that we help one another recover.
so yesterday i was all pissy because i would not admit my powerlessness and let go the the past. it happens, even though sometimes i think i should be better than that. so toady the reading is about why i need to be part of a society of recovering addicts, or rather the need for me to become a member. yes i do remember those days at the end of active addiction, and the kind and loving people who were there encouraging me to stop using and become a part of the fellowship. and yes i remember the months of lying about my clean time and hiding the fact that i was still using from those very same members. i even remember finally reaching that point when i was willing to consider becoming a part of this fellowship. not pleasant memories at all, and part of my past that i no longer need to live in. HOWEVER those memories are what gives me the unique ability to help other members-to-be, decide to start the journey, just as i did.
the last thing i thought would happen when i stop using, was that i would become one of those members who had helped me through the dark and painful days of early recovery. i have found that the fellowship in which i choose to recover provides all of the tools i need to stay clean another day. i have also discovered that i am not such a bad person after all, and the only thing that disqualifies me from recovery is me! GAWD what a terribly earth-shattering revelation! NOT!!! but one i was loath to admit way back when, and even as little as twenty-four hours ago. and that i could have help in finding and staying on the path of recovery from all of the addicts who are part of my fellowship is still something that i choose to ignore from time to time.
so it goes, i am a part of a greater whole only when i say i am a part of that fellowship. the only requirement for me to remain a member is the desire to stop using, and today i have that desire and am willing to ask for the help i need to continue to be able to make that choice. one of the gifts that those who were members when i got here, and who have become members after i got here, have given is the ability to make a choice as to whether or not i will use today. i did not have that choice when i got here, and did not get that choice for quite a while after coming to the program -- i was not struck clean! i was once jealous of those who seemed to be struck clean, you know the type, those members that get here and just stick. that set of feelings left me alone and lonely for quite a bit of time in my early recovery, BUT with the help and love of all the members, i finally realized that i was no different, except perhaps a bit more hard-headed and stubborn, you know locked in the insanity of self-will.
today, right here and right now i am grateful for those members, all of them from the member with one day clean, to those with five decades or more of days in a row clean. they have freely given me the tools i need to stay clean today, and perhaps i can do the same as my day progresses today, after all i can only keep what i freely give away.

∞ DT ∞