β i tend to feel happy β
Posted: Mon, May 25, 2015 09:21:14 AM
about the **good** and angry, frustrated, or guilty about the **bad**.
ah, back to the basics for me. this is all about the world of what is, and not what i think it is. i certainly cringe when i hear my peers, say how much they liked the reading today. my reaction to them sharing how “proud” they are about what they got done triggers a similar reaction. what really gets me going, however, is when they share about anger being “bad,” or how they had “bad thoughts,” such as stopping in to purchase a perfectly legal mind and mood altering substance. the truth be told, all of that just is, at least in my limited world view. after finishing 1984 last night, one of the points that i got was that if i restrict my language, i can prevent myself from having “thoughtcrimes.”
it seems that many of my peers, feel as if all of sudden, after they got clean, that they should be some sort of saints, purged of all that is impure and distracting, and live in the world as beacons blazing with HOPE. just as the PARTY, encouraged doublethink, thinking one's way out of the paradoxes that reality presents when up against a fact that is inconvenient, so it seems some of my peers, want to wish away all the feelings and events that do not meet up to their expectations as a covering person, and with a sleight of hand such as “i am only and addict” or “at least i did not kill someone,” the abolish any responsibility for looking at what happened and if they need to work on something.
how can i speak so authoritatively on this? well, of course, i am as guilty as the rest of my peer at attaching value judgements on my feelings and the events of the day, especially my behavior. when i find something that does not meet my expectations, in my own behavior, then BOOM, a quick justification and perhaps a rationalization and it is swept away from view. Big Brother may be watching, but i am far more observant than the Party could have ever dreamt of being, and far harsher torturing myself than the Ministry of Love could ever imagine. i live in Room 101, and value judgements of where i think i should be and where i actually am, are far worse than the threat of rats.and so it goes…
instead of wailing and gnashing my teeth, what i have found is that there is certainly a way out for me. i am learning to live in the world of what is. of course there are events, behaviors, feelings and thoughts, that are NOT to my liking, that is part of being human. it comes down to the very basics of the program, what is it, in that collection that i have any power over and what is it, that i will need outside assistance to correct, if necessary. honestly the events of the day, whether it is the destruction of antiquities by ISIS, the contribution to the delinquency of a minor, by a state trooper, or a chain of cars moving ten miles under the speed limit for no apparent reason, i am powerless, and it is not worth the effort to get all worked up about it. surrender and accept that this sh!t happens and move on. my behaviors, well i have a daily inventory for that and the ability to <GASP> admit i am wrong and correct the damage i have done. thoughts and feelings, well i have the POWER that fuels my recovery, to fix those, after i see whether they served any good purpose in my life. sometimes a reminder of what i am, such as a thought as i pass by a legal drug dispensary, is not a bad thing at all, and one that need not be punished by the THINKPOL.
anyhow i have some stuff to accomplish today, so i think i will move along and see what i can get done.
ah, back to the basics for me. this is all about the world of what is, and not what i think it is. i certainly cringe when i hear my peers, say how much they liked the reading today. my reaction to them sharing how “proud” they are about what they got done triggers a similar reaction. what really gets me going, however, is when they share about anger being “bad,” or how they had “bad thoughts,” such as stopping in to purchase a perfectly legal mind and mood altering substance. the truth be told, all of that just is, at least in my limited world view. after finishing 1984 last night, one of the points that i got was that if i restrict my language, i can prevent myself from having “thoughtcrimes.”
it seems that many of my peers, feel as if all of sudden, after they got clean, that they should be some sort of saints, purged of all that is impure and distracting, and live in the world as beacons blazing with HOPE. just as the PARTY, encouraged doublethink, thinking one's way out of the paradoxes that reality presents when up against a fact that is inconvenient, so it seems some of my peers, want to wish away all the feelings and events that do not meet up to their expectations as a covering person, and with a sleight of hand such as “i am only and addict” or “at least i did not kill someone,” the abolish any responsibility for looking at what happened and if they need to work on something.
how can i speak so authoritatively on this? well, of course, i am as guilty as the rest of my peer at attaching value judgements on my feelings and the events of the day, especially my behavior. when i find something that does not meet my expectations, in my own behavior, then BOOM, a quick justification and perhaps a rationalization and it is swept away from view. Big Brother may be watching, but i am far more observant than the Party could have ever dreamt of being, and far harsher torturing myself than the Ministry of Love could ever imagine. i live in Room 101, and value judgements of where i think i should be and where i actually am, are far worse than the threat of rats.and so it goes…
instead of wailing and gnashing my teeth, what i have found is that there is certainly a way out for me. i am learning to live in the world of what is. of course there are events, behaviors, feelings and thoughts, that are NOT to my liking, that is part of being human. it comes down to the very basics of the program, what is it, in that collection that i have any power over and what is it, that i will need outside assistance to correct, if necessary. honestly the events of the day, whether it is the destruction of antiquities by ISIS, the contribution to the delinquency of a minor, by a state trooper, or a chain of cars moving ten miles under the speed limit for no apparent reason, i am powerless, and it is not worth the effort to get all worked up about it. surrender and accept that this sh!t happens and move on. my behaviors, well i have a daily inventory for that and the ability to <GASP> admit i am wrong and correct the damage i have done. thoughts and feelings, well i have the POWER that fuels my recovery, to fix those, after i see whether they served any good purpose in my life. sometimes a reminder of what i am, such as a thought as i pass by a legal drug dispensary, is not a bad thing at all, and one that need not be punished by the THINKPOL.
anyhow i have some stuff to accomplish today, so i think i will move along and see what i can get done.
∞ DT ∞