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well the reading this morning seemed to strongly suggest that when i have problems dealing with a person that i need to look within myself for the causes and conditions.
that i may have something within myself that is causing me to act and react to someone in a negative manner is not an idea i was comfortable with when i walked into recovery. this idea has been growing since the first fourth step i ever took, but there are still days when i loathe to look at my part in the problem, after all i have worked some steps and learned to live the program, how can i be the one with the problem? the truth is that i have not yet (and probably will never) achieve the state of being where i am anywhere near as spiritual and accepting as i can be. i carry with me the garbage of my past as well as the disease of addiction. between the two of them i will always want to act-out in selfish self-interest and as a result will find people with whom i have a problem or two.
sitting here, writing this little ditty i can name three without even trying. so as the reading suggests i first need to look at my behavior to see if i have somehow injured them with my actions. i do not have the luxury anymore of waiting until a formal fourth step to identify the victims of the wake of chaos i can leave behind. if i find damage (and truthfully i usually do) then it is up to me to repair that damage to the best of my ability without causing greater harm. sometimes after examining my behavior i find that i cannot find that i am in the wrong, i do not arrive at this conclusion lightly, because it is part of my nature to minimize my behaviors and dismiss their consequences.
if after thorough examination i find that i am not at fault, i need to learn to forgive, tolerate and accept those difficult people unconditionally. it is not up to me to judge and punish anymore, that task is better left in more competent hands than mine. so for me, today, living the program means to apply those attributes and behaviors to all of the people i happen to interact with in the course of my daily affairs and i will probably find fewer difficult people in my life.
∞ DT ∞