Some memes

to be me -- no more, no less! as i get rolling this morning, i tripped over this little passage in my source material. it actually started with my fellowship needs me to me, but i decided that for me, today anyhow, this needed to emphasize the me part more than the fellowship part. time and again i have put what i thought were the needs of he fellowship, over my own needs. i do not disagree with the thesis, i understand that when i “read the room” and perform, i am doing a disservice to my peers, as well as myself. the part of me that played to the lie that defined me for so long was all about showing myself to be better and having more recovery than those around me. the truth is, that i never felt equal and pumping myself up was my weapon against feeling as if i was somehow less than they were. i know that being myself and sharing what is really going on, is THE service i need to give to my peers. putting on airs, quoting extensively from the literature and spouting slogans and bumper stickers is not who i am, even though i am very skilled at doing so. i am not some sort of recovery guru nor will i ever be. i do have a plethora of experiences about how to live clean regardless of what life throws at me and my own unique style and grammar for expressing that. when i step out into acting a part i am not, i am once again playing to the lie that i was too broken to be seen and i am better than that today.
a case in point: last night at book club, one of our members brought Guinness Zero a non-alcoholic version of one of he beverages i still remember fondly. i took a photo and sent i to my sponsor, one of my peers and one of the men who call me their sponsor and asked whether i needed to reset my clean time. two out of three of my peers “got” the joke, my sponsee, however was upset by it, as he has had experience with his sponsors tripping into the non-alcoholic version of beers and the result was never good. i apologized to my sponsee this morning and we talked about it and i let him know that it was not an experiment nor was i triggered to go out and buy some of the “real stuff.” i did enjoy that beverage and perhaps i will drink it again in the future. i am, however, not obsessing about doing so and did not run out and buy a four pack at he store this morning. for me, it was simply an experience that i enjoyed, not my destiny.
my style of sharing is often irreverent and full of jokes about what i think and feel, even when dealing with serious issues. i probably overuse profanity when i share and i certainly tend to be less than respectful of the the “pure” message that many of my peers feel are necessary to honor. i have FAITH in the program of recovery, even if i come off as flippant, cynical and impious. i have taken myself far too seriously for far too long and i am no longer that person. yes i take my recovery as a serious and life-saving manner in which to live. that spiritual path has allowed me to accumulate a few days clean and as i approach yet another clean date, i can see that being who i am, my authentic self, no matter what, is more important than pretending i am some high priest of recovery. i have opinions and when i choose not to express them i deny others the opportunity to hear my unique message of how to do this gig, just for today and grow into a person i never believed i could be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞