๐ demanding that ๐
Posted: Sat, Aug 13, 2016 09:41:25 AM
others serve me!
if one peruses the literature for any length of time, more likely than not one will walk away with the impression that addiction is about obsession with self, and that obsession warps all the **normal** human attributes far out of shape. although, my obsession with self was not that far off what i see in the world around me, especially while driving around. everybody seems to believe that they are entitled to something more than they have and popular culture does nothing to dispel that myth. it is not all the different than Donald Trump, whining about how the media is picking on him, even when they report his words exactly as he uttered them. i liked living in a world where i could blame anything that happened in my life, on someone or something else, and walk away scot-free, without taking any responsibility. it no wonder that when i walked into the rooms, like many of my peers, i believed i was “owed,” and not “owned.”
the path to actual altruism and letting go of entitlement and the notion that i NEED to be served, is a long and often tortuous one. if i was better than i think i am, i would see that those traits in others is an opportunity for me to practice forgiveness. instead my default reaction is to get all butt-hurt and pissy, and wonder if they have forgotten who the fVck i am. serving others and allowing myself to be served, especially taking care of myself, is an exercise in balance. where does serving others and serving myself cross the line into all sorts of nastiness.? this has been an ongoing theme in my recovery and as i ponder this set of steps, it has become even more germane.
i am not the sort of person who believes 90% is enough, even though it used to be good enough for an “A.” more than once i have lost myself in what i thought was service to others. more than once others have lost me to self-absorbed entitlement. finding a happy medium, at least for me, seems to be part of the spiritual awakening i have had, across the course of this set of steps. i see the narcissist in others and strive to root it out in myself. what that has come to mean, is that as i realize that the world does not revolve around me, i need not start orbits around others, catering and cratering to their every whim. been there done that and now i am walking away, far, far away. what does that look like today? well for one, it means when i get calls from unknown numbers late in the evening, i do not answer and wait for a voice message. it means that when i go to a meeting, i pay attention to what is really being said and not what they are trying to contrive or convey. more than once i pretend that i was serving others, when in actuality i was just trying to “look good.” today, as my path continues to becoming genuine and whole, i have a growing desire to let go of what i think, others think of me, and concentrate more on what i am becoming.
i do not need a physique, toys, lots of social contacts, or a huge salary to walk forward knowing that i am okay. i certainly can serve others and allow myself to be served, without a growing sense of inferiority in the former case or entitlement in the latter. for me, becoming one with myself and repaying the debt i owe to the fellowship are more important than just about everything else in my life. it is only through those two facets of my life that i can be the loving spouse, the caring friend, and the sage sponsor. for me, those two aspects are nurtured through living a program and working the steps. allowing myself to grow through those processes, means that i can serve others, with little or no expectation of return and serve myself without cratering in to entitlement and self-obsession. it is after all a great day to be more than i was yesterday and set up the npath to continue that journey tomorrow.
if one peruses the literature for any length of time, more likely than not one will walk away with the impression that addiction is about obsession with self, and that obsession warps all the **normal** human attributes far out of shape. although, my obsession with self was not that far off what i see in the world around me, especially while driving around. everybody seems to believe that they are entitled to something more than they have and popular culture does nothing to dispel that myth. it is not all the different than Donald Trump, whining about how the media is picking on him, even when they report his words exactly as he uttered them. i liked living in a world where i could blame anything that happened in my life, on someone or something else, and walk away scot-free, without taking any responsibility. it no wonder that when i walked into the rooms, like many of my peers, i believed i was “owed,” and not “owned.”
the path to actual altruism and letting go of entitlement and the notion that i NEED to be served, is a long and often tortuous one. if i was better than i think i am, i would see that those traits in others is an opportunity for me to practice forgiveness. instead my default reaction is to get all butt-hurt and pissy, and wonder if they have forgotten who the fVck i am. serving others and allowing myself to be served, especially taking care of myself, is an exercise in balance. where does serving others and serving myself cross the line into all sorts of nastiness.? this has been an ongoing theme in my recovery and as i ponder this set of steps, it has become even more germane.
i am not the sort of person who believes 90% is enough, even though it used to be good enough for an “A.” more than once i have lost myself in what i thought was service to others. more than once others have lost me to self-absorbed entitlement. finding a happy medium, at least for me, seems to be part of the spiritual awakening i have had, across the course of this set of steps. i see the narcissist in others and strive to root it out in myself. what that has come to mean, is that as i realize that the world does not revolve around me, i need not start orbits around others, catering and cratering to their every whim. been there done that and now i am walking away, far, far away. what does that look like today? well for one, it means when i get calls from unknown numbers late in the evening, i do not answer and wait for a voice message. it means that when i go to a meeting, i pay attention to what is really being said and not what they are trying to contrive or convey. more than once i pretend that i was serving others, when in actuality i was just trying to “look good.” today, as my path continues to becoming genuine and whole, i have a growing desire to let go of what i think, others think of me, and concentrate more on what i am becoming.
i do not need a physique, toys, lots of social contacts, or a huge salary to walk forward knowing that i am okay. i certainly can serve others and allow myself to be served, without a growing sense of inferiority in the former case or entitlement in the latter. for me, becoming one with myself and repaying the debt i owe to the fellowship are more important than just about everything else in my life. it is only through those two facets of my life that i can be the loving spouse, the caring friend, and the sage sponsor. for me, those two aspects are nurtured through living a program and working the steps. allowing myself to grow through those processes, means that i can serve others, with little or no expectation of return and serve myself without cratering in to entitlement and self-obsession. it is after all a great day to be more than i was yesterday and set up the npath to continue that journey tomorrow.
∞ DT ∞