Blog entry for:
Tue, Aug 25, 2015 10:16:01 AM
≡ freedom from ≡
posted: Tue, Aug 25, 2015 10:16:01 AM
the wreckage of my past.
well, well, well, not sure what to write this morning as so much has happened since i last read this, as in 3.5 hours ago and i have far too much going on now. trying to pay attention to work. trying to get stuff from my old computer to me new one. trying to write this and not being present for anything at all. time to put everything else aside and concentrate on this.
task one put away, no more paying attention to file transfer.
task two: work can wait
thinking about the amends process and how it has gone for me, is interesting. the first time through i just made societal and familial amends, because of the shallow nature of how i worked that set of steps. in fact, now that i look at it, i was less than honest with my sponse and myself about what needed to be done and to whom. the next three sets poof steps rectified that situation, and although i would love to blame my very first sponse, for my failures. this is the simple truth: i was just faking it until i made it, and it nearly ended up killing me.
today, well today, i can see that it was my dishonesty with myself that nearly killed me, not the wrong fellowship, or an inattentive sponsor. i did not want recovery in those first 18 months. i did not believe i needed recovery and all i was doing was going through the motions to keep up with the Joneses. what a difference a few days make. today, i am certain that i am an addict, today i want and NEED recovery and today, i am grateful for a way of living that far exceeds my wildest “pipe” dreams.
so what does freedom from my past really mean to me today? well it does not mean that i can forget or ignore my past, as that is what made me the person i am today. nor does it mean that the person who did all those things in that past was a bad person. what i am feeling today, is that my past is a valuable tool that no longer rules my daily life. sure, as is the case with my current employment, it was a road block to getting the job i wanted, when i WANTED it, but in the long run, that too was settled to my satisfaction as i am at home working today.
anyhow, i do need to get back to that task, after all they are paying me very well, and it is a great day to be in the here and now.
well, well, well, not sure what to write this morning as so much has happened since i last read this, as in 3.5 hours ago and i have far too much going on now. trying to pay attention to work. trying to get stuff from my old computer to me new one. trying to write this and not being present for anything at all. time to put everything else aside and concentrate on this.
task one put away, no more paying attention to file transfer.
task two: work can wait
thinking about the amends process and how it has gone for me, is interesting. the first time through i just made societal and familial amends, because of the shallow nature of how i worked that set of steps. in fact, now that i look at it, i was less than honest with my sponse and myself about what needed to be done and to whom. the next three sets poof steps rectified that situation, and although i would love to blame my very first sponse, for my failures. this is the simple truth: i was just faking it until i made it, and it nearly ended up killing me.
today, well today, i can see that it was my dishonesty with myself that nearly killed me, not the wrong fellowship, or an inattentive sponsor. i did not want recovery in those first 18 months. i did not believe i needed recovery and all i was doing was going through the motions to keep up with the Joneses. what a difference a few days make. today, i am certain that i am an addict, today i want and NEED recovery and today, i am grateful for a way of living that far exceeds my wildest “pipe” dreams.
so what does freedom from my past really mean to me today? well it does not mean that i can forget or ignore my past, as that is what made me the person i am today. nor does it mean that the person who did all those things in that past was a bad person. what i am feeling today, is that my past is a valuable tool that no longer rules my daily life. sure, as is the case with my current employment, it was a road block to getting the job i wanted, when i WANTED it, but in the long run, that too was settled to my satisfaction as i am at home working today.
anyhow, i do need to get back to that task, after all they are paying me very well, and it is a great day to be in the here and now.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
wreckage of my past 209 words ➥ Wednesday, August 25, 2004 by: donnot↔ reclaiming my life ↔ 295 words ➥ Thursday, August 25, 2005 by: donnot
δ by clearing away the rubble that for so long has stood in the way of my progress δ 449 words ➥ Friday, August 25, 2006 by: donnot
∞ now, i have a chance to clean up that wreckage ∞ 451 words ➥ Saturday, August 25, 2007 by: donnot
… i have the opportunity to make amends -- to acquire … 495 words ➥ Monday, August 25, 2008 by: donnot
× i have reached an exciting stage in my recovery × 620 words ➥ Tuesday, August 25, 2009 by: donnot
Æ with the Twelve Steps and the help of a Higher Power Æ 508 words ➥ Wednesday, August 25, 2010 by: donnot
∑ i am achieving freedom from the wreckage of my past ∑ 684 words ➥ Thursday, August 25, 2011 by: donnot
⊗ i will take advantage of the opportunity to reclaim my life ⊗ 490 words ➥ Saturday, August 25, 2012 by: donnot
† the damage done by my peers, to their lives, † 474 words ➥ Sunday, August 25, 2013 by: donnot
∼ finally, i listed the amends needed to set my wrongs right ∼ 789 words ➥ Monday, August 25, 2014 by: donnot
± gaining the ± 658 words ➥ Thursday, August 25, 2016 by: donnot
🗬 reclaiming my life 🗭 440 words ➥ Friday, August 25, 2017 by: donnot
🏚 the wreckage 🏗 674 words ➥ Saturday, August 25, 2018 by: donnot
🏔 clearing away the rubble 🏞 456 words ➥ Sunday, August 25, 2019 by: donnot
🎁 achieving freedom 🎁 385 words ➥ Tuesday, August 25, 2020 by: donnot
🚧 the damage done 🚽 299 words ➥ Wednesday, August 25, 2021 by: donnot
🚨 gaining the 🚀 542 words ➥ Thursday, August 25, 2022 by: donnot
😍 a new meaning 😍 608 words ➥ Friday, August 25, 2023 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 1
1) Colour's five hues from th' eyes their sight will take;
Music's five notes the ears as deaf can make;
The flavours five deprive the mouth of taste;
The chariot course, and the wild hunting waste
Make mad the mind; and objects rare and strange,
Sought for, men's conduct will to evil change.