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listening to one of my peers share at a meeting yesterday, i wondered how the heck they ever learned to do anything for themselves. they have seemed **stuck** in the same place in their recovery process for quite some time and i always chalked it up to **cross-fellowshipping.** i, myself started my recovery journey, living between two worlds of **program** and for me, it kept me from coming to terms with what addiction was and how addiction affected my life. i was stuck in the “as long as i am not using” paradigm and was not making any progress towards actually being free from active addiction. i can say that if i had not found a way to see myself, wholly as an addict, then i would not be sitting here today, a few days later, coming up on another clean date anniversary.
the number of amends i owe, has been reduced to a very manageable level and a daily inventory keeps those numbers down. as much as i hate to admit i am wrong, and i do, by applying the corrective part of STEP TEN, without having to “ask” IF i need to, i have learned to stand on my own two feet and live a program of recovery. learning how to live a program of recovery, rather than “recovering by committee,” was one of the greatest gifts my sponsor gave me.
this morning, considering where i am in my annual cycle as well as where i am in my recovery cycle i feel that the last two pieces of my amends to myself, are finally beginning to gel. i am building a desire to complete the affirming nature of correcting the damage i did and do to myself, by writing out my FOURTH STEP and making an appointment to head on down and share it with my sponsor. FEAR is finally being replaced by FAITH and once again, i am standing on my own two feet, a clean, productive and responsible member of society, my fellowship and my own life, perhaps for the first time ever. on that note, it is time to accept the gift of DESIRE to be more fit, and get some miles under my belt.

∞ DT ∞