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that can end my isolation.
since i got clean, i have been dealing with this whole FREEDOM gig. when i got here, i did not see myself as enc\\slaved, trapped or incarcerated in the general sense. true, i had spent some time as a guest of the Boulder County Sheriff and had the threat of becoming a ward of the state hanging over me, BUT other that those two instances, i saw myself as free, unencumbered and a spirit that could ride the winds without ever looking back. active addiction helped me to form the lie that i was better off by myself and early recovery, at least my brand of it, seemed to support that theory. i could see the drama and trauma of all the newcomers and the members, in both fellowships and it seemed like way too much work for me. so i hung with the other newcomers, stayed clean, made the appearance of adopting a program of active recovery and at the end of those first thirteen months, i realized how empty i was and how lonely i felt. i had the evidence i needed to support my theory that this recovery stuff was not for me, but had at most another two years to stay clean. for the first time i now felt trapped and railed against all that supposed freedom i was not finding. i now felt trapped and was certainly looking for a way out. it is at this point in my story, that many of my peers who arrived under similar circumstances, start to pull away, and try and figure out how to beat the system, by using occasionally, keeping their criminal behavior to a minimum, and putting up a great front for those who they leave behind in the fellowship, all the while they are reestablishing the behaviors of active addiction. for me, at this juncture, my desire to get out of my legal entanglements was stronger than my desire to use, so i stuck it out. true, i white knuckled it through nearly six months of self-sponsorship. i put up an amazing front, amazing enough to be invited to be a part of committee service, and i allowed myself to become entangled in social relationships of the fellowship that was to become my home.after a trip to see an old using buddy in New York, i knew that i needed something more and decided to pitch this dual citizenship i had developed, pick a single fellowship and get a sponsor from that fellowship and actually work the steps.as one can tell, here i still sit, commenting on my journey to who i am today.
let me tell you now, that at times, my tenure as a recovering addict has been tenuous. i hated meetings from time ti time,. those bums in the fellowship were all hypocrites, liars and cheaters, while professing to be so much better than the average Joe. as i work the steps and more importantly learn how to apply the steps in my daily life, i pass through those phases and end up on the other side with a greater appreciation for the fellowship because of all the wrongs and evils i perceive, rather than despite them, because they are a mirror that reflects what i once was and more importantly what i could once again become. i am on my way to becoming whole, genuine and self-aware, and that journey, while noble, is hardly pretty all the time. i see that as a vague road-map for what is coming and as the reading suggests, freedom from my guilt-ridden, remorseful past, is what allows me the strength to carry on, even when i am sure that this recovery gig is not for me.
am i freer today than i was when i was first getting clean all those days ago? well if you look at it, in more than one way, i certainly am. i have all sorts of entanglements now: friends, family, a significant other, sponsees, workmates, employers and creditors. i have all sorts of responsibilities as well and all of that is because i got the ONLY promise of this program: FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION. the thing that had me enslaved and that i never saw as enslavement has been eliminated, BECAUSE i stick around, no matter what i am feeling. i GET to stay clean today, by choice and that is freeing in and of itself. most of all i have come to see my past as the path necessary for me to be where i am at today, instead of the ball and chain to drag me to the bottom of the figurative ocean of despair. i do have some other fish to fry today, so thank you all for giving mew a lifwe worth livi9ng, even if i have to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞