โ after all, it is hard to move forward if i am looking back โ
Posted: Thu, Aug 29, 2013 08:29:29 AM
so this morning, i moved everything up by an hour, except getting up and rolling out of bed. i got to work exactly when i wanted to, i took care of the dawg i have the temporary responsibility for, but i forgot to feed our little pup Daisy. man, oh man, it is a good thing that the love of my life has the day off, and she can take care of what i forgot to do.
as i sit her after a very quick trip to work, i am thinking about what i have to accomplish over the next eight days. yes, i have left the building and am ready to fly off to a paid vacation south of the border. which means that here and now, i need to return to the here and now.
i spent a very long time being remorseful over what i did not accomplish in the years of my active addiction. even after a trip or two through the steps i still wanted to make up for all that i did not do, across the course of my life and for a long time, did just that. lived my life at double pace, so i could get what i never had the opportunity to get, back in the day. yes, i have read this reading many, many times, and worked steps and yet some part of me longs for those wasted days, and the chance to make more of them.
today, things are not nearly so dire. yes, there is still regret for my misspent youth, but that is all it is, a bit of sadness, a touch of regret and a reminder of what i could be once again. i can, today, use those feelings to stiffen my resolve to the program that has given me a future of any sorts. i can say without any hesitation, back in the day, i did not look forward to what today would bring, as i was certain it was yet another consequences of me placing my need to get high, above everything else in my life. now that i think about it, ironic as it is, getting high and looking good replaced my survival instincts. i would rather get a fix, than get some food. i would rather have chemical bliss, than build a relationship. i would let my rent slide until i almost had to move back in with my parents, just to get one more hit. when i look at things that way, there is no doubt about it. i am an addict. even today, all of that makes perfect sense to me, and i have a tiny bit of recovery and a few days clean. so living in remorse of what could have been, is just a waste of energy, because things would have never been what i wanted them to be.
the program and yes the steps and my sponsor, teach me how to live in the here and now, and develop opportunities to be something i never was or could be, a person that has a future and the opportunity to be more than i ever was. just for today.
so i better get back to work, and allow myself the freedom to make a buck or two, before this day gets too much further down the line.
as i sit her after a very quick trip to work, i am thinking about what i have to accomplish over the next eight days. yes, i have left the building and am ready to fly off to a paid vacation south of the border. which means that here and now, i need to return to the here and now.
i spent a very long time being remorseful over what i did not accomplish in the years of my active addiction. even after a trip or two through the steps i still wanted to make up for all that i did not do, across the course of my life and for a long time, did just that. lived my life at double pace, so i could get what i never had the opportunity to get, back in the day. yes, i have read this reading many, many times, and worked steps and yet some part of me longs for those wasted days, and the chance to make more of them.
today, things are not nearly so dire. yes, there is still regret for my misspent youth, but that is all it is, a bit of sadness, a touch of regret and a reminder of what i could be once again. i can, today, use those feelings to stiffen my resolve to the program that has given me a future of any sorts. i can say without any hesitation, back in the day, i did not look forward to what today would bring, as i was certain it was yet another consequences of me placing my need to get high, above everything else in my life. now that i think about it, ironic as it is, getting high and looking good replaced my survival instincts. i would rather get a fix, than get some food. i would rather have chemical bliss, than build a relationship. i would let my rent slide until i almost had to move back in with my parents, just to get one more hit. when i look at things that way, there is no doubt about it. i am an addict. even today, all of that makes perfect sense to me, and i have a tiny bit of recovery and a few days clean. so living in remorse of what could have been, is just a waste of energy, because things would have never been what i wanted them to be.
the program and yes the steps and my sponsor, teach me how to live in the here and now, and develop opportunities to be something i never was or could be, a person that has a future and the opportunity to be more than i ever was. just for today.
so i better get back to work, and allow myself the freedom to make a buck or two, before this day gets too much further down the line.
∞ DT ∞