Blog entry for:

has ceased to be the most important thing about me, at least in my mind.
one more JFT reading and yet another earwig, which i will not mention, so those who happen to stumble upon this little exercise are not infected as well. the band however is named after a large east coast city and the song is the title of their second album. needless to say, the fact that i can draw on memories from the 70' and 80's says a lot about the past that i am learning to accept as immutable and the path that brought me to this place and time in my life. without that quarter of a century of missteps, miscues and misbehavior, i certainly would have never found what i have today.
looking back, with remorse or nostalgia, as in my mind, both are equally tricky, has led me down some very dark and twisty paths. forgetting altogether or attempting to hide what i have done and been, has eerily similar heinous consequences, so where does someone such as myself, learn to draw the line and find a bit of balance?
what i “heard” this morning is that it is well past time for me to forgive myself for what i did in active addiction and what i have done since being in recovery. i have made my amends and the person who is pounding this out at the butt crack of dawn, is more than a bit different than the person who “needed” to get high, each and every day. i can correct the issues with my teeth, get more physically fit, become less of a social retard and find a spiritual path that fits, but none of that is important, if i keep pounding myself into the dust, just because one upon a time…
what holds me back, is the insanity of the stories i tell myself about “settling for second best.” even though recovery is not a zero sum game that requires that i take from others, in order to advance my cause, i often fall into the trap of thinking that it is a competition and i need to compete by having the most engaging and compelling checkered past. in order for me to be sincere in sharing those juicy chunks of alternative fact reality, i seem to believe i need to once again feel the pain of remorse. that act “triggers” an avalanche of self-doubt and of course self-debasement and self-flagellation, and i am back in the shits once again. what i am walking away with this morning, is my past is set in stone. no matter how hard i attempt to polish it up for public consumption, it still is exactly what it is: a resource for comparison to where i am today and a treasure trove of experience to share with my peers, just for today. i can look back and let go of the regret and remorse that once drove my recovery and learn how to forgive myself for having that past.

∞ DT ∞