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to a God of my understanding, it is necessary to be honest about my beliefs if i am to grow spiritually. sometimes, like this morning, a bit of a fat finger faux pas is not a bad thing. i was struggling about how to explain where i was a year ago, without reading what i wrote a year ago. i do know that what i was struggling with, was how do i fit into a fellowship with a belief system that is totally alien and at odds with those of my peers.
today, i am not concerned about how mainstream belief system and concept of “GOD” is or is not.
so a year later, after the turmoil and chaos i caused i see that for me, this journey was an essential part of my growth through the steps. the hist6ory of my concept of GOD and how i express that, has been a bit checkered. i do not feel like going into all of that today, but i can say this, i am finally at a place where in my heart, in my mind and in the very fiber of my being, i do not feel dishonest or compromised when i think of GOD or use the term, because that is an accommodation to my peers, and not to who i am. the same goes for the terms prayer and miracles. neither play a huge role in my view of the spiritual side of life, but i can relate my experience through terms that my peers can understand and that facilitates the conversation, instead of shutting it down.
ironically, this whole set of steps has been about finding my place in the fellowship and society, and i seemed to have been blown a bit off course the past year or so. or at least that is what it may seem like, before i consider where i have arrived at today. there is a very common theme among my peers, that nothing happens by accident or coincidence. i may not wholly ascribe to that notion, but looking at where i am today, in my life, in my heart, in my heart and in the fellowship, i can certainly see that i had to struggle with coming to terms with my belief system. the weird part of this is, is that i have resisted taking the final plunge until just recently. i was more concerned about what my peers may think, so i lied to myself, so that i could fit in, and avoid the judgement of others, and as a result, i was “stuck” in an unsatisfactory spiritual experience. sure it was more than adequate to keep me clean, and foster a program of active recovery, but in the end, it was not what i needed. i now can see that i am healthy enough to step out from behind the curtain and celebrate the fact that i need not conform in spiritual beliefs, to fit in. the same issue a once upon a time sponsee had, i have finally pitched into the bit-bucket of useless and obsolete ideas. stepping into the light of honestly expressing myself as a member who does not see things as my peers do, at least in a spiritual sense, i can come back to a fellowship and be content and secure as a member. i can now talk to my peers, and use their language to express my notions of how i see it, and for me, that step into honestly expressing what i feel, in terms they can relate to, is one of the best gifts i have been given, and certainly when all is said and done, quite a spiritual awakening for this set of steps.

∞ DT ∞