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ah bondage, such a fun topic to write about! although the sort of bondage that i am thinking about today, is far from kinky or nuts. no i am thinking about the bondage and the ties that bind me to my world.
there are all sorts of tie that bind me these days. ties to my family and loved ones, ties to my employer and co-workers, ties to my community and most importantly, at least this morning, ties to the fellowship that nourishes my recovery.
once upon a time, and at various times in my recovery, i have done all i could to disrupt and cut the ties to the fellowship. as recently as a year ago, i believed i could no longer be a part of this fellowship, as the direction my spirituality was taking, was taking me out of the middle of the boat, as the metaphor goes. i felt i could no longer be a unifying member, and as such, it would be better for my peers, if i just walked away. today, that feeling has been replaced by a stronger FAITH, that no matter how far from the middle my spiritual life takes me, i need not worry and fret, after all, in this fellowship, how i see my spiritual belief system is not a factor on whether or not i can be a part of this fellowship, as it is my fellowship given right to build my own belief system and my journey to acceptance, might provide someone else the courage to embark upon their own.
those other times? well i have already documented my journey to membership and need not go over that again. the times between? most of those were when i was choosing to see the chaos and the disunity caused by my peers. in any group of human beings, that will always be a natural tendency towards chaos, regardless of how healthy or spiritual the organization may be. it is up to me to decide how i want to take my place in the world and if as the reading suggests become a member that brings something more to the table, other than the garbage i seem to hold so dear.
the question then becomes, how do i exercise my desire to be a part of this often rowdy and quite chaotic fellowship? i can, as i do from time to time, sit back in the corner, my arms crossed tightly against my chest and sit silently judging the whole group one member at a time. as long as i keep my thoughts to myself, i can prevent myself from being a less than unifying influence. that works, for the group, but not so much for me. when i sublimate my feelings to prevent myself from doing any damage, i am hurting myself. in my current state of recovery, i often still sit quietly, i still judge, but after allowing myself to be human, i share about the ideas that have kept me clean, even if they are outside the main stream. i understand that very seldom will a group of any humans conform to my expectations, but i can accept that as fact and let it go, which seems to be working these days. my friends and peers, who are on the outside looking in, do not need to be privy to those notions, nor does the fellowship in general.
yes i can accept that i am quite tightly bound to my fellowship and celebrate those ties, after all, it is what has given me the ability to find the means to stay clean and live a program of active recovery. i also can be a force for unity and not a time-bomb of chaos, by allowing the POWER that fules my recovery, to fill me with the gift of spiritual abundance, just for today.

∞ DT ∞