Blog entry for:

long for freedom.
freedom from what, one might ask? from the reading it would be a miss-mash of defects of character and shortcomings, as they seem to use the word interchangeably throughout. i have been taught that they are two entirely different concepts, one being the inherent parts of my personality that i cannot change, the other being the behaviors that automatically arise when those unchangeable parts are activated. as i stay clean and work steps, i have a modicum of control over whether or not i act-out on my character defects through those habitual behaviors or choose to act on a spiritual principle instead. conceit is a defect of character, bragging is a shortcoming. the freedom i seek today is far more than the choice of which shortcomings i will demonstrate today, but goes far deeper. the freedom i seek is to have those inherent parts of me removed cleanly and surgically. barring that at least have them transmogrified into the assets they once were.
much is written about defects of character and shortcomings. having stumbled across this topic more than once in the course of my recovery, in fact more than likely in the course of the annual cycle of readings, i am quite certain i have written more than enough on this topic as well. my understanding of what constitutes a character defect and a shortcoming has changed as i stayed clean and worked the steps, as explained above, is how i see them today. this set of steps is not that much different than the previous set. that list i wrote way back when is still the same list, character defects are after all, or at least in my case, the gift that keeps on giving. when i realized that and integrate that realization in my belief system there seems to be a few ways i can go.
the most obvious one, the way i have seen many an addict take was to flee in FEAR. although i will not ascribe any motives to that behaviors, i can certainly say that more than once i wanted to do the same thing. in fact a relapse sounded like a capital idea, after all, that would reset my step work and defer possibly forever the personality change part of the steps. there is more than a little FEAR, DOUBT and UNCERTAINLY in what the removal of my character defects and shortcomings may do to me and my oh so wonderful personality. what i have discovered and yes at least for me this is brand new territory, is that as my defects of character diminished as i became more whole and more genuine, i was better connected to the world around me. instead of making me dull and boring, the process filled my life with all sorts of new and different relationships, even <GASP> newcomers. the other amazing part of the removal process, is that i have come to accept that what some may see as “negative” aspects of who i am, are not necessarily so. i have come to accept that i may always be a cynic, and will see the world through the lenses of that cynicism. yes i seems that i will see the storms even when the rainbows, unicorns and daisies are popping up all over. it is the storms that bring the flowers and the rainbows. the difference is that i need not rain on everyone else's parade. more than likely i will always form a judgement or three about my fellow travelers, but i need to share those judgements with anyone else, in fact when i cats a judgement i might even be able to seek evidence to disprove it. most of all i get to decide that i can continue on the path to becoming the man i have always wanted to be, or stay the conceited jerk that walked into the rooms all those days ago.
today the path i choose is through my defects of character and shortcomings and not around them.

∞ DT ∞