๐ฎ my delusions ๐ฎ
Posted: Sun, May 10, 2020 10:45:51 AM
about who and what i am, are certainly being replaced by a more accurate picture, fostered by the growth i have found living the program of recovery, that has given me the ability to be here right now. before i go too far down the rabbit hole, to each and every MOM out there, i hope this Mother*s Day is a special one for you, as these times are certainly **interesting** in the Chinese curse sort of way.
this morning, as i sat, what came to me, was not a whole lot about where i may be going, but more of where i have been. over the past few days, politics has been on the top of my mind. the feelings that arise when i hear ignorant rantings of the discredited and non-educated, peddling “alternative facts” as the TRUTH, are certainly more than reminiscent of how i felt way back when i was first starting my journey into the light of recovery. i was certain i was different and the members who were here when i got clean, had to be wrong about what i “needed” to do, in order to move beyond a life of using. how the F*CK did they know whet i NEEDED to do, after all they did not share my experience, nor did they share any special insight on how to navigate the legal issues i saw as my the root cause of my downfall into abstinence. i was more than a little bit delusional, way back when and i clung tightly to those delusions until i reached the pit of my despair. as awful as that night was, i finally had arrived in a place where my delusions of being somehow different from my peers, were annihilated with extreme prejudice. it was my worst thinking, that brought me to my knees and opened my mind to something different.
the ironic part of that whole “affair” is that i could have used, got a hot UA, told on myself and got slapped with a very minor “consequence” as i had been very compliant for quite some time and the last thing the justice system wanted was to make me a less productive citizen after i had been doing sop “well.” i am glad i was still delusional about how things worked in that world and believed that they had some sort of vendetta against me. my selfish, self-centered delusions about the legal system served me well in that instance and certainly were part of my “strength” the last time i was in a room with a sack of one of my favorite things.
my how things have changed. i may know who i am, an addict in recovery. i may have a clue about what to do today, DO NOT USE, NO MATTER WHAT. i may even have a vague roadmap of where i am going as a person and the practical steps to get there. i am still, however, subject to magical thinking and magical thinking seems to be all the rage these days, at least in certain circles. i will not foster my spiritual health by “wishing for it” or ignoring the parts of me that “pop-up” in my every day life. they just will not disappear because i choose not to think about it. if i want results, then i have to take action and the action i am going to take, is a brisk walk on this blustery Mother's Day and see what i need to do when i return. if i want to be more physically fit, i have to work at it. if i want to be more spiritually fit, i have to be present for the opportunities that the POWER that fuels my recovery, presents to me as i walk through the day ahead.
this morning, as i sat, what came to me, was not a whole lot about where i may be going, but more of where i have been. over the past few days, politics has been on the top of my mind. the feelings that arise when i hear ignorant rantings of the discredited and non-educated, peddling “alternative facts” as the TRUTH, are certainly more than reminiscent of how i felt way back when i was first starting my journey into the light of recovery. i was certain i was different and the members who were here when i got clean, had to be wrong about what i “needed” to do, in order to move beyond a life of using. how the F*CK did they know whet i NEEDED to do, after all they did not share my experience, nor did they share any special insight on how to navigate the legal issues i saw as my the root cause of my downfall into abstinence. i was more than a little bit delusional, way back when and i clung tightly to those delusions until i reached the pit of my despair. as awful as that night was, i finally had arrived in a place where my delusions of being somehow different from my peers, were annihilated with extreme prejudice. it was my worst thinking, that brought me to my knees and opened my mind to something different.
the ironic part of that whole “affair” is that i could have used, got a hot UA, told on myself and got slapped with a very minor “consequence” as i had been very compliant for quite some time and the last thing the justice system wanted was to make me a less productive citizen after i had been doing sop “well.” i am glad i was still delusional about how things worked in that world and believed that they had some sort of vendetta against me. my selfish, self-centered delusions about the legal system served me well in that instance and certainly were part of my “strength” the last time i was in a room with a sack of one of my favorite things.
my how things have changed. i may know who i am, an addict in recovery. i may have a clue about what to do today, DO NOT USE, NO MATTER WHAT. i may even have a vague roadmap of where i am going as a person and the practical steps to get there. i am still, however, subject to magical thinking and magical thinking seems to be all the rage these days, at least in certain circles. i will not foster my spiritual health by “wishing for it” or ignoring the parts of me that “pop-up” in my every day life. they just will not disappear because i choose not to think about it. if i want results, then i have to take action and the action i am going to take, is a brisk walk on this blustery Mother's Day and see what i need to do when i return. if i want to be more physically fit, i have to work at it. if i want to be more spiritually fit, i have to be present for the opportunities that the POWER that fuels my recovery, presents to me as i walk through the day ahead.
∞ DT ∞