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and self-acceptance are certainly intricately bound together and as i progress through the recovery process, i GET to learn how to navigate the minefield of my emotions and my reactions to those feelings. it certainly would make my life easier, if i lived the Kum-By-Yah version of myself, always open-minded, kind, rational, compassionate and empathetic. the fact of the matter is, i can be mean, hostile, opinionated and resentful. it is not very often that i am politically correct nor do i need to feel all sad and apologetic for having feelings. most of my anger is fueled by my perception that somehow i have been disrespected. that perception is certainly a symptom of my self-centered possessiveness and short-sighted way at looking at the world. ironically it is when i try and defend my feelings and feel the NEED to justify why i feel a certain way that leads to the most discord in my life. if i just said that is how i feel and left it at that, things would go a whole lot smoother in my life, BUT the habits of having defend against the world, still reign supreme in my life.
rationally and logically, i KNOW that i have feelings that really cannot be defended. coming up with outrageous reasons, and blame-shifting were behaviors i honed into a skill-set during active addiction, as it allowed me to be okay with what i was doing and feeling. i always had an “out.” i often wonder if i am truly entirely ready to have this removed as it seems to still serves me well from time to time, even when it does not. this morning, i have more than a bit of regret about dropping into this mode of living. my dilemma is how to repair stuff, without minimizing or dismissing my feelings. more than once in my recovery, i have caved in to the pressure to shut the FVck up, when asked to defend a feeling that does not appear to be spiritual, loving, kind or anything “positive.” the issue here is not in the “why” i feel one way or another, but in the “how” i express that feeling and perhaps i will uncover the means to walk that tightrope, apologizing for the behavior without dismissing the feeling. the fact of the matter is, i am entirely ready to have my need to defend my feelings removed and perhaps today is a great day to start to let go of that.

∞ DT ∞