Blog entry for:

sponsors. right off the bat, i am grateful that i have a sponsor, and have one that has stopped me from doing a thing or two, that would have consequences that i was incapable of seeing. not because they were unpredictable, rather because of the story-line i had written in my head that was so far from reality that only in some bizarro, alternate timeline, would it come about. that is the problem about rationalization and justification they feed that untenable and unattainable version of the world and strip from me any connection to reality. if i am struggling to pay bills and keep food in my mouth, why would i go out and get a brand new tattoo? i can think of a thousand reasons and most of them have absolutely no connection with reality, i am in that alternate reality, where nothing i think has any connection to reality.
the same goes for amends, once upon a time i was so deluded that i believed i did no harm to anyone but myself in my active addiction. that was of course, before i accepted i even had a drug problem or that i needed this program as a manner of living. of course, when i finally came to become a member, after that first round of steps, i was full of remorse at all those i had left off of that list the first time through, i felt i could 10TH step my way, back into their good graces. the other way i looked at repairing that damage was just as duplicitous, i was clean, not making any more damage.. just by being clean and because i had already worked a NINTH STEP, i could skip on over and make my amends without any input form anybody, least of all my sponse. neither notion is grounded in any sort of reality, but it is echoed in the rooms, by the newest of the new, whenever the topic of amends come up. those that are the most clueless, are those with the most to say.
coming back to the alternate versions of reality theme i started at the top, today i am more certain about what is real and what is in my head. it was not like that, even after a few days in recovery. i still want to spin my version of events, and lying by omitting certain details or minimizing those details, so they do not look so bad, is something i was once world famous for doing. i finally get that saying “i had a couple of beers,” instead of saying “i was really drunk at the time,” does not alter the facts in the slightest and only makes me look worse when the next actions i take are not well thought out or have any bearing on reality. the fact is i used, in that scenario and then i did something i regretted. my alternate version does nothing to protect me from what others think and only goes to diminish my worth in my own eyes. if i believe that i did something so bad that it needs to be prefaced by the fact i used, or if the consequences of my last use were dire enough that i have to preface them, with a statement about using, then i am certainly looking at the world through some sort of distorted lenses.
to wrap this all up, changing my story by altering the facts, even if it is only to myself, is not a healthy behavior. making an amends to soothe my guilty conscience, before working the previous eight steps, is the exact same behavior, only i can wrap it up with a bit of spiritual camouflage, so it looks like i meant to do well. they are both symptoms of my warped world view of myself and are meant to bolster my flagging or nonexistent self-esteem. staying clean may one day be a living amends, that is the benefit of long-term abstinence. not being an asshole who lives in his head is certainly a better living amends, but neither of those are valid until i arrive at that point in my recovery process. quite honestly, just for today, i want to live in reality and not the fVcked up version i have constructed for myself. there really is nothing in the real world that i cannot face, if i allow myself to seek the courage to do so.

∞ DT ∞