Blog entry for:
Tue, Sep 13, 2016 09:58:43 AM
∵ fixing that **different** ∴
posted: Tue, Sep 13, 2016 09:58:43 AM
place inside of me.
as i sit here after a very long night last night, when the biggest part of what i had to push, appeared to fail, i sort of feel more than a bit **different.** there was a time when i would be up to 2 AM, and show up to work the next morning, in no condition to do my job, reeking of the substances i did the night before and wishing the day was all ready over. today, i may not be as sharp or as quick as i was yesterday, but my mind and body are not recovering from mass quantities and i CAN do my job with aplomb. today, like my co-workers, i can fill my hours with useful labor, and not just sit around watching conspiracy, kitty cat and look at what this idiots is doing videos on the interwebs. the difference between that “once upon a time,” and now, is that today i have a program of living that is more than mere abstinence from using drugs. ah but you guys know all of that already. so what is different than all the other times i have written about this, or even stumbled across this reading in the course of my recovery journey?
honestly not a whole lot and just about everything. as i have become a proud “Godless heathen,” as a result of my 11TH step trip, it is difficult to say that “different place,” within me is being filled by GOD. well might have been difficult a year ago, as i had yet to complete STEP 11. when i say GOD, i actually mean all that is, or the POWER that fuels my recovery, that concept could separate me from my peers. it did for a while and i thought i would be exiting this fellowship stage right with great dispatch. well here i am, still kicking and using the term “GOD” without any issues. i was not all that differ after all, ironically, it was that very same issue, among many others, in a different form, that kept me from becoming a member for those first 18 months. today i see my difference is with the other 85% and not with my peers in recovery.
with that in mind, i think i can safely say that: just for today i am not seeking anything to fill that place, as i have already found it.
as i sit here after a very long night last night, when the biggest part of what i had to push, appeared to fail, i sort of feel more than a bit **different.** there was a time when i would be up to 2 AM, and show up to work the next morning, in no condition to do my job, reeking of the substances i did the night before and wishing the day was all ready over. today, i may not be as sharp or as quick as i was yesterday, but my mind and body are not recovering from mass quantities and i CAN do my job with aplomb. today, like my co-workers, i can fill my hours with useful labor, and not just sit around watching conspiracy, kitty cat and look at what this idiots is doing videos on the interwebs. the difference between that “once upon a time,” and now, is that today i have a program of living that is more than mere abstinence from using drugs. ah but you guys know all of that already. so what is different than all the other times i have written about this, or even stumbled across this reading in the course of my recovery journey?
honestly not a whole lot and just about everything. as i have become a proud “Godless heathen,” as a result of my 11TH step trip, it is difficult to say that “different place,” within me is being filled by GOD. well might have been difficult a year ago, as i had yet to complete STEP 11. when i say GOD, i actually mean all that is, or the POWER that fuels my recovery, that concept could separate me from my peers. it did for a while and i thought i would be exiting this fellowship stage right with great dispatch. well here i am, still kicking and using the term “GOD” without any issues. i was not all that differ after all, ironically, it was that very same issue, among many others, in a different form, that kept me from becoming a member for those first 18 months. today i see my difference is with the other 85% and not with my peers in recovery.
with that in mind, i think i can safely say that: just for today i am not seeking anything to fill that place, as i have already found it.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
all jumbled up 456 words ➥ Monday, September 13, 2004 by: donnotα am i missing something? Ω 298 words ➥ Tuesday, September 13, 2005 by: donnot
Α today, i believe that my lifelong yearning was primarily for knowledge of a Higher Power Ω 442 words ➥ Wednesday, September 13, 2006 by: donnot
α when i was high, at least i no longer felt the emptiness or the need. ω 524 words ➥ Thursday, September 13, 2007 by: donnot
μ i searched all my life for something to make me all right … 364 words ➥ Saturday, September 13, 2008 by: donnot
λ i have always felt different from other people λ 653 words ➥ Sunday, September 13, 2009 by: donnot
“ i had to have something different, and i thought i had found it in drugs ” 929 words ➥ Monday, September 13, 2010 by: donnot
≈ once i gave up the drugs, the sense of emptiness returned ≈ 408 words ➥ Tuesday, September 13, 2011 by: donnot
† the POWER that fuels my recovery † 607 words ➥ Thursday, September 13, 2012 by: donnot
∅ the drugs, which were my solution, ∅ 755 words ➥ Saturday, September 13, 2014 by: donnot
‰ something different ‰ 554 words ➥ Sunday, September 13, 2015 by: donnot
🍃 is knowledge 🍂 389 words ➥ Wednesday, September 13, 2017 by: donnot
🚪 searching for 🚧 597 words ➥ Thursday, September 13, 2018 by: donnot
🍲 restoring that 🍽 621 words ➥ Friday, September 13, 2019 by: donnot
🌌 feeling different 🌌 393 words ➥ Sunday, September 13, 2020 by: donnot
🛈 a lifelong yearning 🛈 547 words ➥ Monday, September 13, 2021 by: donnot
🎞 restoring a 🍱 409 words ➥ Tuesday, September 13, 2022 by: donnot
🙊 sincerity 🙊 563 words ➥ Wednesday, September 13, 2023 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 1
2) The multitude of men look satisfied and pleased; as if enjoying
a full banquet, as if mounted on a tower in spring. I alone seem listless
and still, my desires having as yet given no indication of their presence.
I am like an infant which has not yet smiled. I look dejected and
forlorn, as if I had no home to go to. The multitude of men all have
enough and to spare. I alone seem to have lost everything. My mind
is that of a stupid man; I am in a state of chaos. Ordinary men look
bright and intelligent, while I alone seem to be benighted. They look
full of discrimination, while I alone am dull and confused. I seem
to be carried about as on the sea, drifting as if I had nowhere to
rest. All men have their spheres of action, while I alone seem dull
and incapable, like a rude borderer. (Thus) I alone am different from
other men, but I value the nursing-mother (the Tao).