Blog entry for:

i can say without a doubt, i certainly felt different, long before i ever picked up for the first time. i can state unequivocally that using made me feel as if those differences had faded away. part of that was certainly because i hung with those who used the way i did and the rest was part of my defense system against reality creeping into my awareness. denial and mass usage were the tools that made me feel something different and although the reading speaks of GOD, i am not all that certain that GOD has filled the part of me that is still “different” to this day.
i do know that getting clean and living a program of recovery, has brought me to a place where i can call those with whom i share the rooms, my peers and accept that maybe, just maybe, what they share will be that ONE THING i need to hear to stay clean today. this has not been a good week for meetings, for this addict. twice this week, i dropped out of a virtual meeting because there was, in my twisted opinion, a lack of anyone who could carry a message of recovery to me. two of the other three days, i just did not bother to dial-in, so it had been a week since i attended a meeting, when i showed up at my home group in Boulder yesterday. yes i can make the excuse that it was my clean date anniversary and because of seeing my aging parents in these plague times, i would not be able to do my annual tour to gather all the praise that comes with another year clean. this morning, as i helped my parents, i realized how short and grumpy i was and i can see that it is my lack of “smoke up my ass,” that is driving my discontent. so i take a breath, allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to pop back into action and pound this out, before i go watch the Red Zone and see what is happening around the league. it is a good day to let go of how different i may feel and find a place of acceptance once again, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞