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of my uniqueness and still being true to myself and who i am. this morning as i sat, i had time to let an interaction i had with an addict in active addiction percolate through me. they said something that i heard many times before, from those who have built a case against the fellowship and who have actually been “around” recovery for a little bit of time, specifically: “i do not want to be like people in the program.” interestingly, when pressed for details, i got crickets, NADA, nothing. they may not want to be “like” my peers and i, but cannot say what being like us , is all about. it is far from the first time i have heard this and the answer is always the same ⪼ NOTHING‼ before i get going on losing that feeling of being “different” and finding a place where i fit in this fellowship, i need to give a huge shout-out:

Jay T.,
my oldest and only permanent sponsee,
19 years clean, just for today.
Congrats my friend and keep coming back!

what those others may or may not see is not for me to say. for me, eighteen months of trying to prove how different i was, almost sent me to prison, as i was ready to say F⋆vck E⋆verything A⋆nd R⋆un. recovery is not the easiest gig i have ever done and during those eighteen or so months, when i abstinent and compliant, i did my best to look, sound and behave like my peers, in both the fellowships i was attending. it was “fake it, until you make it,” in extremis. faking it was just not paying off anymore and i had to find my entry point into some sort of recovery path. the last thing i wanted was to become like those i saw in the fellowships. between the two of them, there were such major differences, that being a hybrid, hyphenated sort of person was never going to work for any length of time. i certainly did not want to be like those people, but even back then, what “like those people” was difficult for me to put into words. to this day, i still lack any clue about what i meant and the point has become moot, as i have found a way to be just like “those people.”
really taking the first step and internalizing what that meant, started my journey in recovery. before that i was running very fast and getting absolutely no where. that very first admission to myself, allowed me the key to recovery. it did not lead to a path of conformity and it probably could be said that i am far from being “like” my peers in recovery, and yet here i still am. i do not share for the new guy, i am not one of those who flocks to and 12 stomps the newest of the new, and i seldom have a share that is all about sunshine, unicorns and rainbows. i believe that my spiritual path is mine and mine alone, and while i am willing to share about it, with others, i very rarely offer it up to the group. i think that living the steps in my life is far more important than my membership in the No Matter What Club, and that over time i do get better. i believe that i am not destined to jails, institutions or death, save by my own hand. most importantly, at least for me, i do not see this as a “rest of my life” sort of gig, even though it may very well end up that way.
even with all of that said, i am one with my fellowship and see myself as a part of that fellowship. i have FAITH that the program of recovery that i live every day, will keep me clean, just for today and it is my peers that will give me the clues to do so. to use a very tired cliché i am smack dab in the middle of the boat, with a group of stolid individualists, who are just like me! what connects me to them are two facts of life:

1. i am an addict who is powerless over addiction.
2. i have the desire to live a program that keeps me clean.

it really is that simple.
what is it that makes me different from the addict on the outside of these rooms? the walls they themselves build, through the incredibly twisty logic that one uses to keep oneself in denial. been there, done that and i am grateful that i need not dwell there anymore. are the people i share my recovery with saints? not by a long-shot, even the ones of us who have the most time can be sick, sicker or the sickest on any given day. what keeps me coming back, is “those people” are my people and like them, i can be in various stages of being sick on any given day. the part that keeps drawing m,e in, is that they get it and when i share my insanity, they can relate without me having to go into treatises about history, causes and effects. i am certainly no spiritual guru, but i do live a spiritual path without the trappings of any psychobabble or new age, feel good sort of tricks. i am who i am, unique in some ways but certainly just another addict in recovery, who wishes to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞