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unbreakable chain? there are certainly days when guilt and shame and my seeming inability to forgive myself are exactly that, the chains that bind me to my past. on other days, i realize i am far from perfect and walk a path towards the lightness of being that comes from forgiving myself for being, oh so human.
sorry a distraction or two and a bit of blogus interruptus.

David M,
Congrats on NINE years clean
Just for Today, i know you have been clean all day long!

moving back into the her\\e and now, what i shared last night was the truth. i did not care for the reading yesterday, which is odd, at least for me. i usually have at least enough gratitude to see that staying clean and living a program is its own reward. i do not need the house, the cars, the salary and the responsibilities that go along with all of those. as i sat and did my daily inventory, i realized that the root of my dissatisfaction was not my lack of the material niceties that make my life very comfortable, nor was it from the lack of intellectual stimulation. it was just simply a bout of self-pity after comparing myself to my peers. desire seems to drive my discontent more times than not and it certainly feels as if desire and addiction are entwined deeply within me. unmet desire, not that much unlike unmet expectations, eat me alive, time and again, and i end up in a place of self-pity.
this morning, after feeling like the world owed me more than i was getting, all day yesterday, i have a b it more acceptance of who and what i am. i have a bit more gratitude for another day clean. i also have a bit more serenity. none of that would be possible without the only promise that this program offers, FREEDOM FROM ACTIVE ADDICTION. the meeting last night, pulled my head out of my a$$, and i could finally see what it was i was missing all day long yesterday: GRATITUDE for what i do have and what i still have the ability to get.
that does not mean i still want more, heck no! it does mean that i can see my human frailties and accept that “more” and the desire to have more, is just part of who i am. this morning i also feel that no matter who much “weller” i get, i am always going to be human and i might as well accept that as a fact of my life in a nutshell. time and again, i arrive at this place and time and again, i have to search for this place, and the truth of the matter is, when i let go of what i think and let myself feel, i can be right here, right now, all of the time. it certainly is, a great day to be clean or to say it in leet: a gr8 day 2 B clean!

∞ DT ∞