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are NOT links in an unbreakable chain, no matter how much they FEEL like it. well, the bloody morning after, my status here has yet to be revealed, and you know what i am okay with that for right now. so in case you do not follow my continuing saga on FaceBook, the company that i left my gig in Denver for, and started working for three days ago, was sold yesterday. what does that mean? i am so fVcking clueless, that when i dwell on it, i go nuts. my solution? do what i have been assigned to do to the best of my ability and allow myself the freedom to have a bit of FAITH and live in the here and now. is this some sort of failure or cosmic karmic punishment for all my sins and less than stellar behavior? oi could look on it that way, and there certainly is a part of me, that wants to go there, after all, i am the vilest, most uncaring creature that has ever walked the planet! so nice and humble and i know what part of me that comes from, it is more than a good thing that i have a part of me, that knows the truth. yes, the addict within, that part of me i call addiction, is alive and kicking this morning and has more than enough material to work with these days. after all, there is all the garbage i spewed last week with my sponsor. there is also the fact that i have practiced duplicity all over the place, especially as the pressure to release my FOURTH STEP garbage grew.
so as i sit at my desk, listening to screaming punk ska, trying to quiet the demons within, i am starting to get a clue and two and moving back into the real world, not the fantasy world that the addict within has constructed and wants to keep me trapped within. i know that i am far from perfect, i know that i am not the absolute brightest bulb in the pack. most importantly i know that i have qualities that are likable and yes even lovable, as well as qualities that i would rather leave behind. all of that is me, and right now as i am getting this done, i can move into a bit of FAITH that everything will turn out as it is supposed to, i am perfect the way i am right now, warts and all, and that all it takes is a deep breath and a bit of quieting of the screaming maniac that has been raging all morning. it is after all, a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞