Blog entry for:

when i try to forgive myself but do not feel forgiven.
and then of course i get to feel even worse when i ask someone else to forgive me. a vicious cycle of guilt, remorse, turning into self-abuse and finally self-loathing. so what is at the core of this cycle? what action can i take to break this cycle and move on with my life and the recovery process? well the reading suggests that first i must come to understand myself better, become familiar with my character assets as well as my character defects. with this piece of knowledge, i can truly figure out where i fit in the whole scheme of things in general, the beginning of practicing a bit of humility. with gratitude for my assets and acceptance of my liabilities, i can be freed of the artificial constraints i put on myself. no longer will i be worse or better than i really am, at least in my own mind. it is my own mind that is the most dangerous place after all. no one has screamed at me for more than a few days what a shit i was, nor has anyone cried lately because of something i said or did. not that either of those events are permanently erased from my future, i can still be a self-centered shit at times and may cause damage. BUT today i see that i am not quite the self-centered shit i was when i walked in here, i am becoming more than i ever was, and i do not need GOD to change me into something i am not.
back to the original question what can i do? work the program, accept myself for who and what i am, a human being recovering from active addiction, and be grateful for the gifts and talents i currently possess. i am not some world destroying monster devouring everyone and everything in my path, although my ego likes to think of myself like that at times. and most importantly remember that i am just another flawed human being who is trying his best to do better, one day at a time!

∞ DT ∞