Blog entry for:

began the first day i stayed clean, for whatever reason, and continues to this day. it did not get very far in those first months when i was resisting and obfuscating, but once my desperation was greater than my denial, the world shifted and is started learning how to live.
i often speak of my recovery having phases, and when i look back i can certainty see them quite plainly. yes the re is a HUGE demarcation between when i was abstinent and when i finally became a member. that was the day, finally accepted that i NEEDED to do something different, or i would never get the legal system off my back. i also had my first glimmer of HOPE, that maybe, just maybe, there would be more to this recovery gig, than just getting out of legal hot water..
all of that is now ancient history and the reason i keep bringing it up, is because it was one of those points in my life, where had i made a different choice that night in New Jersey, there would be very little telling where i would be today. perhaps i am not an addict and all of this if for naught. even if that is true, would i willing trade away what i have today, on the smoky pipe dream that i could use like a gentleman? the answer i am feeling today, is nope, i am okay not using , just for today. i accept that i am an addict, and even if i am wrong and i am not, what have i really lost?
NOT A DAMN THING!
sitting here today, on the cusp of another year clean, i have a bit of objectivity and a bit of nostalgia. it seems that the reading was saying to me, that io am my own worst enemy and if i accept and surrender, i can choose to live. acceptance nor surrender come easy for me and it seems to be a trait i share with many of my peers. both of those spiritual principles smack of being weak. the connotation, at least in my head is that accepting is the same as settling. one of the side effects of my last set of step[s, was that i would no longer tolerate settling for something less, when i can have it all. that might side conceited and arrogant, and perhaps it is. for me anyhow it is a paradigm shift and that shift has set off an avalanche of consequences within me. the first being, no longer settling to be in a job for which i have little or no passion. i can accept that i have a good job, that pays my bills, keeps me living in the style to which i have grown accustomed to and provides me the means to desire more. not settling means that even though all of that is true, i can seek other employment and will continue to do so. as i move into that spot and do the post-mortem on my in person job interview fail, i can see that disparaging the past, rather than finding a “positive” spin on it, was more than likely my downfall. in short, being my cynically honest self, did me in. be that as it may, what was once a passive search will now become a whole lot more active. what was once just “noodling” around, will become a passion, as i seek to rise from the ashes of this fiery crash. seeking to find to work, where i can be passionate is a quest i can undertake and accepting that i have to give my best at my current position, is an accommodation i need to make. all in all, i can finally began to see the demarcation between accepting what is and settling for nothing more. i may not land a job that i can be passionate about tomorrow, but that does not mean i give up, that in my not so humble opinion, would be my first step towards dying. just for today i want to live and not just mark time, between my first and last heartbeat.

∞ DT ∞