Blog entry for:

staying clean is the start of my journey into life. but my self-destructive behavior went far deeper than just my using.
and those self-destructive patterns and behaviors are still present in my life today. this morning i am dealing with my feelings about a house guest who said she was leaving and yet showed up on my door step again last night. i am angry and becoming resentful about having this person in my home, and doing my best to tolerate and accept the situation as it is today.
what does this have to do with self-destructive behavior, well for one, i have my gut all wrapped up in knots every time i think about the situation.for another i find myself, wanting to tell our house guest exactly what i think, in no uncertain terms and without the tempering of compassion or sympathy. i know better than to lash out, the last thing i want is to create the need to make amends to this person, or to the woman with whom i share my life. so i do the self-destructive thing and practice the behavior of a large dose of swallowing my feelings, until i can talk to my sponsor and the situation resolves. it is a wonderful thing that i leave on vacation in the early afternoon tomorrow, as i do not know how much longer i can stand the bile that is building up within me. so in the case of who gets hurt in this situation, it is me, not because i feel i am entitles to being hurt, nor do i feel i am the lowest on the totem pole, it is just that the consequences of the decision to try and accept must be met somewhere, and i can accept them on myself.
i could go on and on and take someone else’s inventory, but i have beat myself up enough over the past thirty-six hours and i refuse to be a victim anymore, at least by my own hand. so i will do what i can to minimize my interaction with this person, ask the HIGHER POWER from where the power to recover flows, to give me what i need to accept the current situation such as it is, and take care of all things i need to get done so i can leave on a vacation for the next week or so.
and you know what, the bit of spewing i did here was very therapeutic for me this morning. i already feel lighter and ready to move into my day. so off to the showers, grateful that i have enough recovery to have the desire to take responsibility for my decisions and let go of what needs to be let go of today. i am not going to use over this, i will just be content that like everything else in recovery , this to shall pass.

∞ DT ∞